Freeing...

Lately I've gotten the question, "How's married life?" on a regular basis. No surprise here as it's a new season of life I just entered.

It has yet to be two months since our wedding, so in short I would say it's great and fun and challenging and different.... and well, I'm still getting used to it.

The less short version, however....

Being married has been a transition, and not exactly what I expected.

I expected it to be difficult to adjust to the actual living together and being together all the time sort of stuff. I predicted annoyances about whose shoes go where and what to do with dirty towels and other stupid insignificant things.

As it turns out, Richard really is the most laid back, kind, helpful, and patient person in the world. And well, living with him is easier, more fun, and less stressful than not living with him.  He has continuously put me first and taken initiative to care for me in whatever way he finds necessary. No lie. Kind of like a fairytale prince.... ha

My husband isn't perfect (shocking, I know), and I'm sure this is a new phase that will be followed by lots of other stages... but I TRULY appreciate him and how he has led our first few weeks of living together. His character and personality frequently challenge me in new ways and make me aware of areas where I need to grow.

Which leads me to the part of all this marriage stuff that I didn't expect per se. I didn't realize what it would be like to live life this close with someone else. I didn't realize how simultaneously freeing and challenging it would be to be married. And I love it.

I love feeling the freedom to be myself completely... without guards or a fear of the relationship ending.

I love living life with a person in a way that holds me truly accountable for my decisions and attitudes.

I love having a person I can trust with my most sensitive issues and subjects.

And I love having someone to care for and being cared for this way.

.............

It has been a long few years. Lots of transitioning and letting go and moving on and questioning EVERYTHING. Lots of seeing myself in new ways, feeling disheartened, and being unsure of what is next.

And lots of striving.

Striving to make enough money, striving to adjust, striving to keep faith, striving to figure it out, striving to please people, striving to stay in shape, striving to stay guarded, striving to do what I should, striving to make things work, striving to be enough.

But marrying Richard, with his character and strength and love for the Lord...  it feels like being given the freedom to let go of all the striving and just be myself.

Not that marriage HAD to be the route that taught me this... just happens to be how its playing out in my own life.  And this freedom to be myself and the security I feel in my relationship with Richard is challenging some days. Frankly some days I. Really. Suck.

But at the end of the day, I appreciate this gift.

I'd rather feel the freedom to be myself, though not always pleasant, than to feel stuck in a cycle of keeping up guards and constantly striving. Which is turning out to be a valuable lesson for me right now.

Marriage truly is teaching me about my relationship with Christ, and I believe this is what He would have. Because Christ loves me always and His love offers freedom.

This secure relationship we have with Christ is often taken for granted, often not respected by our decisions and attitudes, often requires seeing our sinfulness and selfishness, and often used in ways that don't glorify Him.... But at the end of the day, this security truly is freeing, and therein a picture of real love. It is freeing because we can rest in it and because it doesn't depend on us, our actions, or our strength. He simply loves us because we are His.

So more than anything, I'm thankful.

For all of the above and the opportunity to learn and grow and live with the love of my life... I'm so very thankful.

So that's how married life is going.

:)

The need to just BE

At the park right now with my favorite four-year-old.

Before you assume I'm a slaker nanny, you should know that I'm NOT the one who is too busy to play together. I would be cramping this kid's style if I tried to follow her around the playground (news flash: there really IS an issue with 'helicopter parenting' these days... go to a park if you dont believe me). 

Anyway, she LOVES coming to this park. She automatically tries to become friends with every child on the playground, runs around getting excited about using each piece of equipment, could easily be entertained by chasing birds for hours at a time, and just clearly soaks in EVERY bit of joy possible.

She appreciates every child she talks to or plays with. Literally, she will run up and tell me, 'Katie!!! Did you see?? I made a new friend!!'. And it doesn't matter if the other kid is her age or not, boy or girl, one race or another, nice or not, or anything at all. She simply appreciates having the chance to get to meet people and to be sweet to them. 

I find this to be a good reminder for me today. A good reminder of the joy of focusing on the simple things, the present things, the things that are ACTUALLY important... and appreciating others whenever we have the chance. 

This seems to be harder the older I get, but increasingly important. 

Because we live in a culture that says stay busy, work on building an image, concern yourself with stupid things, be safe always, search for security, chase after entertainment... Focus on yourself; your agenda, your fears, your time, your money, your opinions, your status, your friendships.... YOUR everything. 

But I think this mentality is crap and sucks the joy right out of us. I think this mentality steals our focus and hurts ourselves and others.  

So today, I'm taking notes from a four-year-old... 

- I don't need to be any where than right where I am, or be anyone that I'm not.

- I don't need to focus on minuscule issues, on trying to fix everything, or on changing what I can't change.

- I don't need to concern myself with what others think, because I'm here to please God, not man. 

- I don't need to get wrapped up in fears or things I cannot control, and I don't need to carry EVERYthing, ALL the time. 

- I don't need to figure it all out, have it all planned ahead of time, or know the best way to do everything. 

.............

I just need to BE. 

.... where I am, who I am, focused on the moment, letting go of the little things, okay if its not all perfect, looking for chances to be sweet to people/chase birds/appreciate things/laugh and play/find joy in the simple things. 

And, above all else, to be thankful. 

:) 

Community... even in the good, the bad, and the ugly

"Community"... not just the name of one of my favorite shows in the world (hilarious show FYI...), but also a concept of those people we surround ourselves... those people we walk through life with, those people who we are honest with, those people who we *choose* to invest in, and vice versa.

I've been thinking more and more about this topic over the past month. Something about getting married and having visitors from out of town perhaps. Or realizing that my life truly is in Hawaii now and not in St. Louis... Or maybe just starting my own family and thinking about where to really put down our roots... I dunno.

I grew up with a strong community sense in my own family, as well as a few families that felt more like my own family than just friends. Since moving to Hawaii though, I've struggled to want any sort of community.

If you know me well you know that I am extremely selective in who I truly open up to.

In fact, to be blunt, if I open up to you... then it's a huge compliment ha.

I can talk to, work with, laugh with, hang out with just about anyone in the world, but as far as be vulnerable with, share my deep/difficult thoughts with... there are very few. And the number only seems to decrease with time.

I'm not sure why this is, but it might be some combination of being burnt in the past and being sensitive by nature. That's right, I said "sensitive by nature". Which may not seem to suit me, as I do a good job at putting up a tough exterior most of the time, and I'm often unintentionally insensitive to others... but it is an accurate description all the same.

...............

I realized the other day, in thinking about all of this, that what I get most often hurt by in relationships is when I feel as though I am a burden.

I HATE this feeling.

If I feel like I am a burden to those I care about, for any reason, go ahead and assume that I'm going to shut down, or at least want to do so. Go ahead and assume that I'm going to put myself down or tell myself I messed up long enough to feel accountable for any problem there is, regardless of if I am or not (which sometimes I am;)... just so I can move passed it. Just so that I can still have that relationship.

Because ANY day of the week, I'd rather be mad at myself than mad at people I love. And ANY day of the week, I'd rather be wrong than hurt someone else....

And THAT is what often breaks my spirit.

That is what makes it difficult for me to deal with relationships. That is what makes me overly sensitive to controversy and incredibly fearful of hurting others. That is what makes it difficult to open up and to be myself... because I'm sure that I will upset, offend, let down, annoy, or be a burden to whomever is involved.

I know that some people can't handle real relationships, with the good, bad, and the ugly. And since I'm sure I AM the good, bad, and ugly.... I am confident that I will have to deal with loss of relationship.

... MORE loss of relationship.

And this, my friends... is a fear of mine. A fear that seems to be rooted in past broken relationships and moving to the middle of the pacific ocean, away from all those I loved, where I knew virtually NO ONE.

I'm just tired of loosing relationships, period. And therefore it is a fear.

................

And this fear, it makes me want to avoid building another community now, right where I am. It makes me feel discouraged and frustrated. It makes me want to stay closed off. It makes me scared to be myself and especially hurt whenever I feel rejected.

But I know that I have to move beyond this.

Because relationships... they often hurt and disappoint. They are complex and challenging. They are sometimes frustrating and upsetting. But all the same, God calls us to them.

He calls us to be in relationships.

He calls us to be in community.

He calls us to give of ourselves, even when it hurts.

He calls us to walk through life together, baggage and insecurities and issues and all.

He calls us to act in love, no matter what.

And this, my friends, isn't easy.

But I do believe it is worth it. I do believe that community and people are worth it; brokenness and all.

So I pray that I can fight my own fears with the topic and my own sensitivity towards these things, and trust God with it all. I pray that I can want to open up, to invest in others, and to build a community here... despite my fears and frustrations.

............

That's what's been on my mind this month and showed up in my life countless times recently: the need  to build community, the value of relationship, and the need to show grace to myself and others as often as needed.

Because relationships are a blessing, even when it doesn't feel like it. We live and we grow and we hurt from them... but they are still a blessing. And they are still what God calls us to.

God calls us to community, to the giving of ourselves and the investing of others... even in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So yeah, I pray I can grow in this area and push beyond certain things so to serve the Lord better.