Working with kids...

Working with kids = a daily realization that I lack patience, grace, and strength.

A few hours a day with three children is enough to exhaust me in ways I didn't even realize were possible.

They are loud, messy, attention-needing, insecure, often confused, frequently helpless, and truly in need of growth.

And the more they break me, the more time that passes, and the greater I get to know them... I care THAT much more.

I care that much more that they do well.

I care that much more that they feel loved.

I care that much more for their safety and health.

And I care that much much more, (and therefore see more often) when I fail to love them well.

....

My God is amazing.

His ability and decision to love his broken children flawlessly, no matter what... it's a true testament to His perfection and character.

Funny how often we think it's about us and our actions, when it's clearly all about Him.

:)

Not a pleasant entry.

Warning: this is a less than pleasant blog entry.

Tonight I over heard physical abuse happening in the apartment across from mine. I'm not talking an argument and a few loud sounds, I'm talking about a pounding sound SO loud and repetitive that I wondered if a gun was being shot, yelling VERY loudly, and dogs howling just from the noise.

I don't know what was happening in the apartment.

All I heard was a person screaming 'I didn't do anything wrong' over and over again.

All I saw was a child, no older than 10 years old, freaking out on the porch; clearly GREATLY disturbed by whatever was going on. A boy holding his head in his hands, screaming and shaking, and later yelled at by whoever was inside.

The police showed up before I could get the address to call them myself, praise God.

I get that this isn't a happy blog entry, but sadly its real life.

Reality is that physical abuse happens all over the country, all the time. I've heard stories from people I love about their own heartbreaking experiences.

And I just have to say... I think, with ALL my heart, that it's awful. I know grace must be shown to everyone, but if I'm honest, I greatly struggle to have anything resembling grace for abusers.

I just hate that it happens, to anyone, anywhere. I really hate it. I hate that it's happened to people I know, and in all sincerity... I just don't understand. I don't understand how people can hurt others so much. And it makes me angry.

That's my rant for the night.

Frankly, it's amazing that God can forgive anyone on this earth. We are such broken people... And I'm so thankful that He is far more gracious than I am.

Confessions...

No, I'm not referring to the Usher album.

Just time I admit a few things:
- I love usher. Still. Dance/look like him, and you are awesome.
- I love Taylor Swift. Always.
- I eat in the middle of the night... All the time.
- I forget to eat in the middle of the day... All the time.
- I think athletes are better than non athletes (shut up Sarah).
- I play Words with Friends FAR too much.
- I'd trade anyone (but Richard) for my mom to live here. If that offends you, then you haven't met my mom.
- I love wine. Probably too much.
- I have developed a love for TV since moving to Hawaii. Pan AM, The New Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, The Office, Modern Family, Two Broke Chicks, etc... Sadly true.
- I hate watching sports. I'll play all day long, but hate watching it.
- I'm self-conscience of my frisbee (or lack-there-of) skills.
- I'm confident that my boyfriend is a FAR nicer person than I am.
- I hate living in Hawaii sometimes... Like when it means maybe missing out on big things like my neice's birth and my friend's wedding. UGH.
- I also love the island for EVERYTHING but the distance from the mainland.
- I'm positive that my mom has a better sense of style than I do... Still.
- I love my life.
- I don't give a shit about achieving in the working world. I used to, I probably should... But I don't. And it's kind of nice.
- I'm thankful; for the good, the bad, the ugly, the painful... I'm thankful. It makes me who I am.
- I think Richard is better than any other guy. So much so that sometimes I feel guilty that no one else has anyone as great... sincerely.
- I like rap music and plan to forever.
- On sad days I've cried just wanting to hug my dad. I consider that problem a blessing.
- Christian radio station talk show hosts drive me CRAZY. I love Jesus... I also like talking like a real person.
- I'd get my hair cut if I wasn't so cheap.
- I love to organize... Anything.
- I struggle to enjoy church. I feel like I'm being watched... Pastor's kid syndrome. It's annoying.
- I love to dance, write, do anything competitive, laugh, and be a smart ass.
- I believe God is good; above all else.

... There's my random
list of confessions:)

Simple at the moment

Aloha.

Sarah told me to blog... So yeah.

Life is... Simple at the moment.

After an emotional and stressful fall season, I was blessed with a relaxing Christmas. Seeing family and a little time away seems to have truly refreshed my heart, and reminded me of just how much I have to be thankful for right now.

It seems as though I spent my last year stressed out and overwhelmed. A lot of questions and concerns, and not sure what was going on.

Frankly, January 2012 is like a breath if fresh air.

I know my way around. I'm comforable in my job. I'm making new friends. Richard and I are figuring things out, and falling more and more in love (though often frustrated:)every day. I'm being challenged in new ways which is both irritating (hello pride...), and a blessing.

I think the Lord has shown me how selfish, irritable, and prideful I am. That I have a tendency to seek out my own comfort and joy in order to sustain a seemingly secure identity.
I think He is showing me that my identity cannot be found in any relationship.

However, I also think He is teaching me that He has created me with certian steengths.

I'm loyal, loving, self-controlled, and sensitive (for better-or-worse ha). But I'm learning that these attributes are not accidental, but perhaps intentionally provided.

And I'm learning that it's okay to protect my heart, to feel the way I do, and to let go of things I simply can't control... Even if it hurts.

And truthfully... I'm just enjoying where I am, with all that is here, despite all that's missing or concerning... I'm just glad for all of the above.

I think sometimes you just have to stop and appreciate where you are, wherever that is... and I sure am:)

Richard is on a trip with his small group this week. Such a relaxing time, and a great reminder of what a gift he is in my life. He is so patient, so strong, so attentive, so gracious, and such a man of character... I just couldn't ask for anything better:)

I honestly never thought I could enjoy one person's company so much! I swear... I'm in love with the greatest man in the world. So stupid to phrase it that way, but I love knowing that it's how I really feel. What a gift!

Can't wait to hear all about his trip!!!

That's the update.

Update...

Is that not the worst blog title ever???

It's called laziness. Lame, I know.

My update:
- Jet lag is subsiding, as is my whinning about it.
- Glad to be back to work.
- No I'm not working right this second.
- Yes, I'm at the beach.
- Yes, there are far more productive things I should be doing.
- No, I don't care.
...
- Enjoying getting back into a better workout routine.
- Planning to cook more this year.
- Doubting it will actually happen.
- Sarah wants me to read the Bible in a year with her... probably a good idea for easily-distracted self.

And a new tradition for my blog, titled 'Opionions I consider facts'... Which really, could be used to sum up my view on most opinions I have, but I think it's catchy.

'Opionion I consider fact' #1: NO man looks attractive in a speedo. I don't care what your build, age, skin color, or country of orgin is... It looks BAD.

Jet lag is a b@&:!

Before I moved here, I had the impression that traveling to and from Hawaii consisted of a little bit longer flight, perhaps some out-of-season clothing, and some patience while your sleep schedule adjusted.

Having made several trips back to the mainland however, I have a VERY different perspective.

A good trip requires:
- about a thousand dollars for a ticket, plus food and lodging.
- enough time beforehand to get the rest you need to make it there without getting sick.
- usually several items you'd never normally have buy living in Hawaii (aka something other than beach clothes).
- enough money saved to make up for what you don't make in the amount of time you are gone.
- enough down time once you arrive to recover from traveling and the time change.
- ear plugs (there will ALWAYS be a baby on the plane... 9 hours of crying...), melatonin, Advil pm & regular, Claritin (odds are good that you'll experience allergies being in air conditioning and heating for the first time in months), tums (odds are also good that with the change of food and water that your tummy will be off), lotion and moisture-rich hair products (its unreal how dry my skin and hair get like instantly!!), suvineers for family and friends, etc.

The greatest costs are time and money. I've decided that all and all, traveling from Hawaii is about a month long process: a week to prepare, 2 full days of travel, 2 full days of sleeping to recover from traveling, 6 days to get passed the jet lag and feel like a normal person, and about 7 days to actually spend enjoying onself at the destination (bc frankly, anything less than a week just isn't worth it!).

On every single trip to the mainland, I've felt sick and tired about 75% of the visit.

When I went to SC for back-to-back weekends I had no time to rest before wedding #1 and pretty much felt like a zombie the whole time.

Which I suppose is what frustrates me... If you take all the effort to get somewhere and then feel like a mess, it's just annoying!!

That is my rant about traveling from Hawaii...

Motivated by the fact that I've been home for three days now and still feel pretty exhausted and out-of-it haha.

On the bright side, it's clearly a blessing to be able to see everyone I love!!! So really can't complain about that;)

2011....

I'm blogging from my phone while sitting on the beach (hate me if you want, it's not my fault our weather is amazing). Not really sure if it will even work, but whatever.

2011... Is over. Which is incredibly bitter sweet.

Having just returned from my trip to St. Louis for two weeks, I feel suddenly more aware of where I've been, what I've learned, and how different my life has become.

I'm not good at transitioning... At all. So the last few years, with all their changes, have felt like a perpetual state of limbo- constantly trying to move forward but feeling the constant challenge to just keep my head above water.

I've wanted, so badly, just to feel at home and not overwhelmed by missing people nonstop.

Leaving my friends in college left me without the desire to form new friendships. Difficulties with my first job left me feeling like I had very little to contribute to the work environment. Getting over a guy I had dated all throughout highschool and college left me feeling like I wasn't worth much and probably couldn't be close to someone like that again.

If I'm honest, moving to Hawaii might have been my way of running away, of trying to start over, of moving forward.

Ironically that choice has led to anything but running away from everything. Rather it's been a time of self-reflection (when you spend most of your time alone it's sort of hard to avoid it:), seeing lots of insecurities, and trying to let go of past/present hurts.

Living on this island, at this stage of my life, is potentially the biggest blessing I could have asked for.

Not because it's been easy, but because it hasn't been easy. It's been hard, and yet being surrounded by water makes it more difficult to just run away from things. Which is what I believe God intended; to lead me to a place where I can't run and have to let go of so many things... Including my agenda;)

2011 has left me with more questions than answers, but a new appreciation for many things, especially the freedom and security I have in Christ.

Day 1 of 2012: I look around and actually feel thankful, more at peace, and believe-it-or-not...at home.

:)

Thanks to Richard and his family, my crazy guy friends who adopteded me as their little sister, my parents, and Sarah (for listening to it all:), for support and encouragement during this time... Truly peiceless.

Excited for 2012!!