Community... even in the good, the bad, and the ugly

"Community"... not just the name of one of my favorite shows in the world (hilarious show FYI...), but also a concept of those people we surround ourselves... those people we walk through life with, those people who we are honest with, those people who we *choose* to invest in, and vice versa.

I've been thinking more and more about this topic over the past month. Something about getting married and having visitors from out of town perhaps. Or realizing that my life truly is in Hawaii now and not in St. Louis... Or maybe just starting my own family and thinking about where to really put down our roots... I dunno.

I grew up with a strong community sense in my own family, as well as a few families that felt more like my own family than just friends. Since moving to Hawaii though, I've struggled to want any sort of community.

If you know me well you know that I am extremely selective in who I truly open up to.

In fact, to be blunt, if I open up to you... then it's a huge compliment ha.

I can talk to, work with, laugh with, hang out with just about anyone in the world, but as far as be vulnerable with, share my deep/difficult thoughts with... there are very few. And the number only seems to decrease with time.

I'm not sure why this is, but it might be some combination of being burnt in the past and being sensitive by nature. That's right, I said "sensitive by nature". Which may not seem to suit me, as I do a good job at putting up a tough exterior most of the time, and I'm often unintentionally insensitive to others... but it is an accurate description all the same.

...............

I realized the other day, in thinking about all of this, that what I get most often hurt by in relationships is when I feel as though I am a burden.

I HATE this feeling.

If I feel like I am a burden to those I care about, for any reason, go ahead and assume that I'm going to shut down, or at least want to do so. Go ahead and assume that I'm going to put myself down or tell myself I messed up long enough to feel accountable for any problem there is, regardless of if I am or not (which sometimes I am;)... just so I can move passed it. Just so that I can still have that relationship.

Because ANY day of the week, I'd rather be mad at myself than mad at people I love. And ANY day of the week, I'd rather be wrong than hurt someone else....

And THAT is what often breaks my spirit.

That is what makes it difficult for me to deal with relationships. That is what makes me overly sensitive to controversy and incredibly fearful of hurting others. That is what makes it difficult to open up and to be myself... because I'm sure that I will upset, offend, let down, annoy, or be a burden to whomever is involved.

I know that some people can't handle real relationships, with the good, bad, and the ugly. And since I'm sure I AM the good, bad, and ugly.... I am confident that I will have to deal with loss of relationship.

... MORE loss of relationship.

And this, my friends... is a fear of mine. A fear that seems to be rooted in past broken relationships and moving to the middle of the pacific ocean, away from all those I loved, where I knew virtually NO ONE.

I'm just tired of loosing relationships, period. And therefore it is a fear.

................

And this fear, it makes me want to avoid building another community now, right where I am. It makes me feel discouraged and frustrated. It makes me want to stay closed off. It makes me scared to be myself and especially hurt whenever I feel rejected.

But I know that I have to move beyond this.

Because relationships... they often hurt and disappoint. They are complex and challenging. They are sometimes frustrating and upsetting. But all the same, God calls us to them.

He calls us to be in relationships.

He calls us to be in community.

He calls us to give of ourselves, even when it hurts.

He calls us to walk through life together, baggage and insecurities and issues and all.

He calls us to act in love, no matter what.

And this, my friends, isn't easy.

But I do believe it is worth it. I do believe that community and people are worth it; brokenness and all.

So I pray that I can fight my own fears with the topic and my own sensitivity towards these things, and trust God with it all. I pray that I can want to open up, to invest in others, and to build a community here... despite my fears and frustrations.

............

That's what's been on my mind this month and showed up in my life countless times recently: the need  to build community, the value of relationship, and the need to show grace to myself and others as often as needed.

Because relationships are a blessing, even when it doesn't feel like it. We live and we grow and we hurt from them... but they are still a blessing. And they are still what God calls us to.

God calls us to community, to the giving of ourselves and the investing of others... even in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So yeah, I pray I can grow in this area and push beyond certain things so to serve the Lord better.