Freeing...

Lately I've gotten the question, "How's married life?" on a regular basis. No surprise here as it's a new season of life I just entered.

It has yet to be two months since our wedding, so in short I would say it's great and fun and challenging and different.... and well, I'm still getting used to it.

The less short version, however....

Being married has been a transition, and not exactly what I expected.

I expected it to be difficult to adjust to the actual living together and being together all the time sort of stuff. I predicted annoyances about whose shoes go where and what to do with dirty towels and other stupid insignificant things.

As it turns out, Richard really is the most laid back, kind, helpful, and patient person in the world. And well, living with him is easier, more fun, and less stressful than not living with him.  He has continuously put me first and taken initiative to care for me in whatever way he finds necessary. No lie. Kind of like a fairytale prince.... ha

My husband isn't perfect (shocking, I know), and I'm sure this is a new phase that will be followed by lots of other stages... but I TRULY appreciate him and how he has led our first few weeks of living together. His character and personality frequently challenge me in new ways and make me aware of areas where I need to grow.

Which leads me to the part of all this marriage stuff that I didn't expect per se. I didn't realize what it would be like to live life this close with someone else. I didn't realize how simultaneously freeing and challenging it would be to be married. And I love it.

I love feeling the freedom to be myself completely... without guards or a fear of the relationship ending.

I love living life with a person in a way that holds me truly accountable for my decisions and attitudes.

I love having a person I can trust with my most sensitive issues and subjects.

And I love having someone to care for and being cared for this way.

.............

It has been a long few years. Lots of transitioning and letting go and moving on and questioning EVERYTHING. Lots of seeing myself in new ways, feeling disheartened, and being unsure of what is next.

And lots of striving.

Striving to make enough money, striving to adjust, striving to keep faith, striving to figure it out, striving to please people, striving to stay in shape, striving to stay guarded, striving to do what I should, striving to make things work, striving to be enough.

But marrying Richard, with his character and strength and love for the Lord...  it feels like being given the freedom to let go of all the striving and just be myself.

Not that marriage HAD to be the route that taught me this... just happens to be how its playing out in my own life.  And this freedom to be myself and the security I feel in my relationship with Richard is challenging some days. Frankly some days I. Really. Suck.

But at the end of the day, I appreciate this gift.

I'd rather feel the freedom to be myself, though not always pleasant, than to feel stuck in a cycle of keeping up guards and constantly striving. Which is turning out to be a valuable lesson for me right now.

Marriage truly is teaching me about my relationship with Christ, and I believe this is what He would have. Because Christ loves me always and His love offers freedom.

This secure relationship we have with Christ is often taken for granted, often not respected by our decisions and attitudes, often requires seeing our sinfulness and selfishness, and often used in ways that don't glorify Him.... But at the end of the day, this security truly is freeing, and therein a picture of real love. It is freeing because we can rest in it and because it doesn't depend on us, our actions, or our strength. He simply loves us because we are His.

So more than anything, I'm thankful.

For all of the above and the opportunity to learn and grow and live with the love of my life... I'm so very thankful.

So that's how married life is going.

:)

The need to just BE

At the park right now with my favorite four-year-old.

Before you assume I'm a slaker nanny, you should know that I'm NOT the one who is too busy to play together. I would be cramping this kid's style if I tried to follow her around the playground (news flash: there really IS an issue with 'helicopter parenting' these days... go to a park if you dont believe me). 

Anyway, she LOVES coming to this park. She automatically tries to become friends with every child on the playground, runs around getting excited about using each piece of equipment, could easily be entertained by chasing birds for hours at a time, and just clearly soaks in EVERY bit of joy possible.

She appreciates every child she talks to or plays with. Literally, she will run up and tell me, 'Katie!!! Did you see?? I made a new friend!!'. And it doesn't matter if the other kid is her age or not, boy or girl, one race or another, nice or not, or anything at all. She simply appreciates having the chance to get to meet people and to be sweet to them. 

I find this to be a good reminder for me today. A good reminder of the joy of focusing on the simple things, the present things, the things that are ACTUALLY important... and appreciating others whenever we have the chance. 

This seems to be harder the older I get, but increasingly important. 

Because we live in a culture that says stay busy, work on building an image, concern yourself with stupid things, be safe always, search for security, chase after entertainment... Focus on yourself; your agenda, your fears, your time, your money, your opinions, your status, your friendships.... YOUR everything. 

But I think this mentality is crap and sucks the joy right out of us. I think this mentality steals our focus and hurts ourselves and others.  

So today, I'm taking notes from a four-year-old... 

- I don't need to be any where than right where I am, or be anyone that I'm not.

- I don't need to focus on minuscule issues, on trying to fix everything, or on changing what I can't change.

- I don't need to concern myself with what others think, because I'm here to please God, not man. 

- I don't need to get wrapped up in fears or things I cannot control, and I don't need to carry EVERYthing, ALL the time. 

- I don't need to figure it all out, have it all planned ahead of time, or know the best way to do everything. 

.............

I just need to BE. 

.... where I am, who I am, focused on the moment, letting go of the little things, okay if its not all perfect, looking for chances to be sweet to people/chase birds/appreciate things/laugh and play/find joy in the simple things. 

And, above all else, to be thankful. 

:) 

Community... even in the good, the bad, and the ugly

"Community"... not just the name of one of my favorite shows in the world (hilarious show FYI...), but also a concept of those people we surround ourselves... those people we walk through life with, those people who we are honest with, those people who we *choose* to invest in, and vice versa.

I've been thinking more and more about this topic over the past month. Something about getting married and having visitors from out of town perhaps. Or realizing that my life truly is in Hawaii now and not in St. Louis... Or maybe just starting my own family and thinking about where to really put down our roots... I dunno.

I grew up with a strong community sense in my own family, as well as a few families that felt more like my own family than just friends. Since moving to Hawaii though, I've struggled to want any sort of community.

If you know me well you know that I am extremely selective in who I truly open up to.

In fact, to be blunt, if I open up to you... then it's a huge compliment ha.

I can talk to, work with, laugh with, hang out with just about anyone in the world, but as far as be vulnerable with, share my deep/difficult thoughts with... there are very few. And the number only seems to decrease with time.

I'm not sure why this is, but it might be some combination of being burnt in the past and being sensitive by nature. That's right, I said "sensitive by nature". Which may not seem to suit me, as I do a good job at putting up a tough exterior most of the time, and I'm often unintentionally insensitive to others... but it is an accurate description all the same.

...............

I realized the other day, in thinking about all of this, that what I get most often hurt by in relationships is when I feel as though I am a burden.

I HATE this feeling.

If I feel like I am a burden to those I care about, for any reason, go ahead and assume that I'm going to shut down, or at least want to do so. Go ahead and assume that I'm going to put myself down or tell myself I messed up long enough to feel accountable for any problem there is, regardless of if I am or not (which sometimes I am;)... just so I can move passed it. Just so that I can still have that relationship.

Because ANY day of the week, I'd rather be mad at myself than mad at people I love. And ANY day of the week, I'd rather be wrong than hurt someone else....

And THAT is what often breaks my spirit.

That is what makes it difficult for me to deal with relationships. That is what makes me overly sensitive to controversy and incredibly fearful of hurting others. That is what makes it difficult to open up and to be myself... because I'm sure that I will upset, offend, let down, annoy, or be a burden to whomever is involved.

I know that some people can't handle real relationships, with the good, bad, and the ugly. And since I'm sure I AM the good, bad, and ugly.... I am confident that I will have to deal with loss of relationship.

... MORE loss of relationship.

And this, my friends... is a fear of mine. A fear that seems to be rooted in past broken relationships and moving to the middle of the pacific ocean, away from all those I loved, where I knew virtually NO ONE.

I'm just tired of loosing relationships, period. And therefore it is a fear.

................

And this fear, it makes me want to avoid building another community now, right where I am. It makes me feel discouraged and frustrated. It makes me want to stay closed off. It makes me scared to be myself and especially hurt whenever I feel rejected.

But I know that I have to move beyond this.

Because relationships... they often hurt and disappoint. They are complex and challenging. They are sometimes frustrating and upsetting. But all the same, God calls us to them.

He calls us to be in relationships.

He calls us to be in community.

He calls us to give of ourselves, even when it hurts.

He calls us to walk through life together, baggage and insecurities and issues and all.

He calls us to act in love, no matter what.

And this, my friends, isn't easy.

But I do believe it is worth it. I do believe that community and people are worth it; brokenness and all.

So I pray that I can fight my own fears with the topic and my own sensitivity towards these things, and trust God with it all. I pray that I can want to open up, to invest in others, and to build a community here... despite my fears and frustrations.

............

That's what's been on my mind this month and showed up in my life countless times recently: the need  to build community, the value of relationship, and the need to show grace to myself and others as often as needed.

Because relationships are a blessing, even when it doesn't feel like it. We live and we grow and we hurt from them... but they are still a blessing. And they are still what God calls us to.

God calls us to community, to the giving of ourselves and the investing of others... even in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So yeah, I pray I can grow in this area and push beyond certain things so to serve the Lord better.

Whatever Circumstance

I'm in a slightly philosophical mood today.

Blame the virus that led to sick kids that led to me having over ten hours today to entertain myself while they watch cartoons...

OR blame the *many* cups of coffee I've consumed over the past few hours in an attempt to not fall asleep on the job.

OR the fact that I'm being "still" and I just don't do this stillness thing well.

... Whatever suits your fancy.

Never-the-less... I have time and thoughts.

...................... (no good transition ideas... deal with it.)

Over the past few weeks I've had the opportunity to catch up with several college friends.

And I've been thinking recently how fascinating it is that all my friends and myself, are WHERE we are, doing WHAT we are doing.

If I could go back five years and talk to all my friends about where we thought we'd be in the fall of 2012, there is NO way any one of us would be right. Maybe a few good guesses here-and-there, but nothing truly accurate. (In fact I think it is safe to say that we'd be incredibly wrong...)

Five years ago we were all COFC girls, living in or around Society Street, going to class, dating boys, working random jobs, laughing a lot, crying some too... etc. etc. etc.

And here we all are;  many recently married, many in new cities, many figuring out what is next in life, many learning new things about ourselves and God, many living a life we wouldn't have guessed and trying to figure it out along the way.

Lots of adventures, lots of variety, lots of obstacles, lots of questions... and very little in common with one another any more, other than our love for God and for one another.

In a given day, one of us may be working a twelve hour shift at the hospital, one on a first date, one exploring a new city, one decorating a new apartment, one enjoying her husband home from deployment... and so on.

I suppose my point in saying all this, is that we are all clearly on VERY different paths, going VERY different places... and I find it fascinating.

Why am I nannying in Hawaii while another friend starts nursing school in Charleston??

Such different lives we live, and none of us really certain what lies ahead.

But I can't help but think that there truly is a plan in the madness, and this plan is good. "This plan" is full of ups and downs, different for every one of us, includes times of struggle and times of rest, and a has a billion different details that play out over time. 

Praise God for His design for our lives; though not always pleasant... rarely boring:) Praise Him for His promises that sustain us in various seasons. Praise Him for having a path for us, even when we can't see it or don't understand it. Praise Him for loving us in the midst of it all, wherever we are and whatever we might be doing.

With that I'll conclude with a quote from the devotional My Utmost for His Highest:

"... remember that whatever your circumstances may be, you have been placed in them by God. And God uses the reaction of your life to your circumstances to fulfill His purpose, as long as you continue to “walk in the light as He is in the light” (1 John 1:7)." 

New Roommate

Discounting our honeymoon and the several days of chaos whilst trying to fit all of our stuff PLUS wedding gifts into my itty bitty apartment... Richard and I have been living our "regular" married lives for a little less than a week.

I'm pretty much an expert on marriage already...

Ha. Ha. Ha.

So far from it. Not that I should be of course...

It's been a fun week, to say the least, but certainly a week of adjusting and figuring out how to live together, etc.

News Flash: in my twenty-six years of life I have never, never, NEVER shared a room... with anyone.

How is this possible??? And how in the world did I not notice this fact until now??!!

No clue.

Growing up we did have two rooms for the "kids". I'm the only girl, so that was a free pass to my own room birth through high school.

In college I found a roommate quickly who also liked her own space, and we were blessed enough to have our own rooms all four years of college, (though the last two years she did in fact live in a closet made into a room... no joke).

Then I moved back home, to the good ol' kirkwood room... and lastly to Hawaii where Richard was sweet enough to help me pay for rent so I didn't have to move in with a total stranger. I'd consider this God's grace given the difficulty I seemed to have had transitioning:)

All that to say: my new roommate is very NEW.

And now I'm learning things such as...

- I talk in my sleep like a crazy person. I knew I talked, I did not know just how ridiculous I sound though. And my new husband finds this entertaining and tries to get me to keep talking while totally out-of-it. He's a punk.

- Richard can't get by on just cliff bars, peanut butter, hummus and yogurt like some of us.

- It is FAR too hot to sleep next to a large asian man on a tropical island without using an air conditioning unit.

- Dishes and laundry never go away.

and...

- Our circadian rhythms, moods, and schedules will not perfectly align every day. Damn.

........

Oh the fun of starting our new lives together ha! Lots and lots and lots of laughing.

I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I couldn't find a better new husband if I tried. Such a patient and fun man that Richard Thompson is. Suuuuure do love him:)

I Do! (now know...)

The last time I blogged was May. The last time I remember having time to sit down with, energy to spare, was May.

Oh the season of wedding planning... I have so many words for you. Some very sweet and memorable, and some not-so-much.

In an effort not to live entirely in the past, I'll wrap up all my wedding thoughts in this one post.


Things I learned during the wedding process, "I Do! (now know...):
- It feels like everything matters more than it does. Except that there are some things that actually matter FAR more than you feel they do... good luck differentiating the two if you've never planned a wedding.
- Choose bridesmaids who know you well enough to be encouraging during this time. Not only know when you need encouragement, but know how you need it as well. Such a gift!
- Make sure your all bridemaids put on their own dresses... just in case there is a faulty zipper and you have a girl get stuck in the wrong size dress an hour before the ceremony.
- Laugh. A lot. I probably laughed too much and at all the wrong moments, but at least I remember laughing throughout the day:)
- Choose a venue with good parking options.
- Don't take Tylenol PM after rehearsal dinner if it's later than 10 PM. Doesn't help you wake up for the bridal luncheon the next day...
- Be patient with family. Its a big day for all of them too.
- Thank people who help. Thank them often and throughout the process.
- Marry a man who has a selfless and strong personality. Makes everything so much more enjoyable.
- It IS worth it to put your bridesmaids in crazy bright high heels...
- Don't plan an early afternoon outdoor wedding if you live in a warm place. Even if the venue is on the side of a mountain where you regularly have a wonderful breeze... might be a billion degrees come wedding time.
- Along with that, plan for rain.
- Take time to miss those who couldn't make it. Even if it's just a thought or two about them... slow down to miss them for a second.
- Enjoy it! It does go by so very fast:)

Wedding post, check.

:)

In all seriousness, the experience was wonderful. It didn't all go perfectly, but I have some incredible memories and a new husband who I adore.

Praise God for good friends and family, who are helpful, loving, and SO MUCH FUN. Praise Him for safety, health, and giving everyone a sense-of-humor to go along with an event such as this:)

Not. Even. Close.

Richard says "it's been a month" since I've posted. Sheesh... fine. Post I shall.

Engagement time is happening.

It's everything everyone says it is, and tells you it is. It's a lot to do, a lot of emotions, a lot of changes, a lot to plan, a lot to think about, and yada yada YADA freakin dooo.

I love planning my wedding most days. But I like doing it my way (shocker, I know).

I don't need things to be perfect, I don't need it all to look or seem some way, and I don't need to spend my engagement worried about it all... that's for sure.

Get it done.

Have some fun.

That's about it.

My problem is that decisions still need to be made. My cake won't magically appear if I don't order it, (how cool would that be though???).

So despite the fact that I think many of these miniscule details are more time consuming than they should be, ignoring them doesn't get me anywhere.

So plan I shall, as I have and will continue to do.

But if you really want to know what I think.... what I truly want is to have a pretty dress, my friends around, and Richard standing at the end of the isle. That's about it.

Let's just say in the midst of all the "details", I'm continuously reminded of what I really care about, and what I believe is really important... and it isn't catering, flowers, or decorations.

It's people.

It's the people I have grown to love here in Hawaii.

It's all those I've gone through a million different phases of life with.

It's my friends who make me feel confident, valued, and dearly loved.

It's my soon to be additional family members who have cared so well for me in the last two years.

It's Richard.

That's what matters to me.

The rest are details. Some fun, some not so fun... but only details.

And I can't express enough... the details don't come close to the gift of seeing people who live far away, celebrating with all those who have supported me and Richard, and becoming Mrs. Thompson.

Not. Even. Close.

Results...

Being engaged results in...

- Excitement that truly is exhausting (in a good way of course, by tiring all the same!).
- A new perspective on what life is going to look like in a few months, (not that I'm cookbook shopping or anything... get real).
- P90X sounding like a good idea. Mind you, I haven't been able to move for the past 48 hours, and I'm only on day 3.... but somehow still seems worthwhile.
- So. Much. To. Do. As it turns out, getting married isn't just about planning a wedding, it's also about setting up for a change in life and all that goes with that. Topics like insurance/apartments/jobs/etc. seem to just pile up.
- A new appreciation for the quiet times to just be together and laugh and waste time.... :)

That is all.

A Moment to Rest...

What a month this past one has been... 

Engagement, birthday, visit from my mom, new niece born, Richard's grandmother passing away :(, many dinners with friends, babysitting/cleaning,visit from my dad, and attempting to throw in some fairly efficient wedding planning in the mix. 

Conclusion: life truly does happen in seasons, and this past month has had several seasons thrown together at once. 

My father headed back to St. Louis last night. And with that, it seems as though I've hit a small break in all the wonderful madness (though I'd much rather he stayed longer:). 

And let the record show, as soon as I sat still for a moment, ALL of the past month seemed to come at me full swing. 

Out came some tears, jokes, a billion random thoughts I must have been storing somewhere, concerns, laughter, frustrations, etc. etc. etc. (Yes, there is a reason God often calls women to be still and quiet ; ). 

One of these days I'll learn to process things while going through them, not after/all at once. One can only hope... 

With that said, thank you God for creating rest, for without it I have no doubt I'd stay in this crazy ass mode all the time. 

......

This month has been eye-opening, to say the least. 

It's hard to swallow how much I've complained to God about being far from or loosing people in past, when really I should have just been praising Him for blessing me with these relationships to start with.

Life happens in seasons, and God provides for each one accordingly so that we may grow closer to Him. 

His provision may be far from our understanding, but it is superior to anything else, constant, and intentionally designed by the One who loves us most. 

And that, is something to keep in the forefront of our minds regardless of which season we are residing in at the moment. 

Easier said than done, but it's been an excellent reminder/challenge these past few weeks. 

That's the update. 

Wedding planning = A New Awareness of My Inner PK....

PK = Pastor's kid. Duh.

I've noticed over the past two weeks, that this challenge of planning a wedding is a revelation of my inner rebellious spirit (okay, maybe only kind of "inner"...).

Whenever I'm told/informed of the "right" way to do things during this process, it pretty much immediately makes me want to do the opposite, or something totally different.

I don't mind following basic tips for the big day... those I find helpful. In fact, I'd say I have a new appreciation for those tidbits of information passed on by friends that save me hours and hours of research.

But I'm finding that when approached with issues that are more formulated to fit others' expectations, ("others" being the whatever the norm is for said issue, not actually people in my life:), I really really REALLY don't want to follow.

It truly is amazing how our culture forms these "norms" for things like this that really aren't rooted in much but tradition.

Don't worry, not planning a hippie wedding out here on the island, (though I wouldn't be the first if I were). Just confessing my irritation with the "should do/have to/need to/etc.'s" of this wedding planning journey.

Luckily I'm just stubborn enough to fight for some originality without (hopefully) horribly offending anyone along the way:)

And that is all she wrote...

Got engaged. Check.

Hello all (or Sarah and Courtney who read this:),

I wouldn't even know where to start to give an accurate update since the last one.

Got engaged. Check.

Totally exhausted already. Check.

Trying to get realistic expectations for this wedding and all thats involved. UNCHECK.

What?!!!! You mean I can't have the perfect pre wedding week where everyone I love that is coming to celebrate with us has the perfect time and I'm there sipping a pina colada and completely relaxed the whole time????

Damn.

There is no real room for complaining... which I am fully aware of.

After all I get to marry the greatest man I know on a beautiful island.

So yeah, smack me if I (when I) lose sight of this. (NOT really Sarah!! Geez...).

Which I'm finding is easy to do if I don't watch it, (lose sight that is).

It's easy to be overwhelmed by details, other people's expectations, and  my own perfectionistic ways.

And I suppose that is part of the fun/challenge. All of the excitement, all the fun things to plan, etc. etc. etc. They build up, and build up quickly.

But goodness gracious I hope that I can continue to "get a grip" on a daily basis. Because frankly, I would hate to miss out on the joy of this time because I'm too focused on the wrong thing.

Story. Of. My. Life.

In my heart of heart's, I just feel overwhelmed by God's blessing and goodness. I can't really explain enough with words how spoiled I feel by my heavenly Father.

Obviously life will bring a million different seasons, but I just feel so blessed and loved by God during this time.

Blessed with His love and provision for me. Blessed with the ways He continues to hold and fill me. Blessed with His presence. Blessed with his grace as I so often fail. And blessed to be His.

So that's what's up.

If I'm honest, I sort of laugh at how much I wanted all this to happen when I first moved to Hawaii, and how SO VERY thankful I am that it didn't. Holy moley, there is NO way I could have handled that transition and all of this at the same time. No way.

Once again... glad God doesn't give me what I want when I want it all the time. His ways are so much sweeter.

All praise to Him.

Rain, Sprain, Go Away...

In the last month I have:
- gotten a cold virus
- sprained my ankle (story that will be a lot more hilarious when I can run again!)
- made my sprained ankle worse by trying to walk on it too soon
- gotten food poisoning
- seen more rainy days in Hawaii than ever before
- had work cancelled seven different days for random reasons

I have also:
- not exercised
- watched every season of "How I met your mother", except the current one
- cleaned out my house multiple times out of boredom
- played way too many games of Words with Friends
- talked to my parents on the phone far too much
- bought way too many magazines
- gone through A LOT of ibuprofen

Not sure if God is trying to teach me something, buuuuuut I can't help but think "SLOW DOWN"... is the theme for this month.

I thought it had been the theme of me moving to Hawaii... then I got injured and realized there had been nothing "slow" about my life or schedule up till last month.

And it's official, Richard has seen me at my lowest, (that would be the food poising day...). Nothing says romance in paradise like 24 hours straight of running to the bathroom with a gimp foot. (TMI? my bad).

.....

That's the update. Okay okay, I'll admit, I'm actually really enjoying some things about slowing down. Seems to be easier on my emotions, (minus the days when I could really use a stress-relief run), and help me be more diligent with my quiet times. Also seems to help me be in the moment. All things I recognize and I'm thankful for.

Saying that... anytime this ankle wants to heal would be good with me!!!!

:)

Father-Daughter Dance

Nate's first "Father-Daughter dance". 

LOVE it. 

So much:) 

One can only hope...

This has been a looooooong week.

Money tight, twisted ankle, construction on the house where I work as well as my apartment complex (talk about a lot of drilling...), unable to exercise, and fairly positive I'm coming down with some sort of cold virus.

Gross.

Have I mentioned how well I handle change/lack of physical activity/loud, repetitive noises??

Not well at all.

In the midst of it all I've had to slow down, and yada yada yada all that goes along with that.

And I guess in the midst of it, I've been reminded how blessed I am to be loved by God, as well as Richard.

What a great comfort they both are (clearly God trumps boyfriend... but he's still pretty great:).

Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in trying to control life and get everything done that I forget how blessed I am just to be able to run around (well normally), enjoy this beautiful place, and have fun with Richard.

Which I must just say... I have decided, after this crazy-uncomfortable week and my worst coming out, that Richard is a mix between a superhero and a disney prince.

....... But really.

Thanks God, for all you provide. Thanks for reminding me how much I have to be thankful for to start with. Maybe even when I don't feel like crap and life isn't crazy I can still remember these things:)....

.... one can only hope.

A blessing, I suppose.

I love this island, I truly do. Its beauty and mysteriousness is intriguing and wonderful. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. It has been such an adventure and I love it more and more all the time:)

With all of that said... It is far. And that is harder than I had realized it would be, and something that I have to continually work to comprehend/accept.

This is a challenge that I trust the Lord has allowed, but it is a challenge all the same.

I miss those that I love so dearly ALL the time.

It is hard to explain how being 'away' from people can feel different due to proximity, but it does.

So yeah... Such is life.

I wouldn't trade being on this island with Richard for an easier route. It is far too exciting and adventurous to wish that.

But sometimes I miss my family.

Sometimes I miss my friends (those very very precious few that I'm still close to).

And sometimes I just miss not feeling so far.

So that's my update.

Keeping in touch with people is a constant challenge due to A) the time difference, and B) the fact that talkin to them just makes me miss them that much more.

...A blessing, I suppose:)

Working with kids...

Working with kids = a daily realization that I lack patience, grace, and strength.

A few hours a day with three children is enough to exhaust me in ways I didn't even realize were possible.

They are loud, messy, attention-needing, insecure, often confused, frequently helpless, and truly in need of growth.

And the more they break me, the more time that passes, and the greater I get to know them... I care THAT much more.

I care that much more that they do well.

I care that much more that they feel loved.

I care that much more for their safety and health.

And I care that much much more, (and therefore see more often) when I fail to love them well.

....

My God is amazing.

His ability and decision to love his broken children flawlessly, no matter what... it's a true testament to His perfection and character.

Funny how often we think it's about us and our actions, when it's clearly all about Him.

:)

Not a pleasant entry.

Warning: this is a less than pleasant blog entry.

Tonight I over heard physical abuse happening in the apartment across from mine. I'm not talking an argument and a few loud sounds, I'm talking about a pounding sound SO loud and repetitive that I wondered if a gun was being shot, yelling VERY loudly, and dogs howling just from the noise.

I don't know what was happening in the apartment.

All I heard was a person screaming 'I didn't do anything wrong' over and over again.

All I saw was a child, no older than 10 years old, freaking out on the porch; clearly GREATLY disturbed by whatever was going on. A boy holding his head in his hands, screaming and shaking, and later yelled at by whoever was inside.

The police showed up before I could get the address to call them myself, praise God.

I get that this isn't a happy blog entry, but sadly its real life.

Reality is that physical abuse happens all over the country, all the time. I've heard stories from people I love about their own heartbreaking experiences.

And I just have to say... I think, with ALL my heart, that it's awful. I know grace must be shown to everyone, but if I'm honest, I greatly struggle to have anything resembling grace for abusers.

I just hate that it happens, to anyone, anywhere. I really hate it. I hate that it's happened to people I know, and in all sincerity... I just don't understand. I don't understand how people can hurt others so much. And it makes me angry.

That's my rant for the night.

Frankly, it's amazing that God can forgive anyone on this earth. We are such broken people... And I'm so thankful that He is far more gracious than I am.

Confessions...

No, I'm not referring to the Usher album.

Just time I admit a few things:
- I love usher. Still. Dance/look like him, and you are awesome.
- I love Taylor Swift. Always.
- I eat in the middle of the night... All the time.
- I forget to eat in the middle of the day... All the time.
- I think athletes are better than non athletes (shut up Sarah).
- I play Words with Friends FAR too much.
- I'd trade anyone (but Richard) for my mom to live here. If that offends you, then you haven't met my mom.
- I love wine. Probably too much.
- I have developed a love for TV since moving to Hawaii. Pan AM, The New Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, The Office, Modern Family, Two Broke Chicks, etc... Sadly true.
- I hate watching sports. I'll play all day long, but hate watching it.
- I'm self-conscience of my frisbee (or lack-there-of) skills.
- I'm confident that my boyfriend is a FAR nicer person than I am.
- I hate living in Hawaii sometimes... Like when it means maybe missing out on big things like my neice's birth and my friend's wedding. UGH.
- I also love the island for EVERYTHING but the distance from the mainland.
- I'm positive that my mom has a better sense of style than I do... Still.
- I love my life.
- I don't give a shit about achieving in the working world. I used to, I probably should... But I don't. And it's kind of nice.
- I'm thankful; for the good, the bad, the ugly, the painful... I'm thankful. It makes me who I am.
- I think Richard is better than any other guy. So much so that sometimes I feel guilty that no one else has anyone as great... sincerely.
- I like rap music and plan to forever.
- On sad days I've cried just wanting to hug my dad. I consider that problem a blessing.
- Christian radio station talk show hosts drive me CRAZY. I love Jesus... I also like talking like a real person.
- I'd get my hair cut if I wasn't so cheap.
- I love to organize... Anything.
- I struggle to enjoy church. I feel like I'm being watched... Pastor's kid syndrome. It's annoying.
- I love to dance, write, do anything competitive, laugh, and be a smart ass.
- I believe God is good; above all else.

... There's my random
list of confessions:)

Simple at the moment

Aloha.

Sarah told me to blog... So yeah.

Life is... Simple at the moment.

After an emotional and stressful fall season, I was blessed with a relaxing Christmas. Seeing family and a little time away seems to have truly refreshed my heart, and reminded me of just how much I have to be thankful for right now.

It seems as though I spent my last year stressed out and overwhelmed. A lot of questions and concerns, and not sure what was going on.

Frankly, January 2012 is like a breath if fresh air.

I know my way around. I'm comforable in my job. I'm making new friends. Richard and I are figuring things out, and falling more and more in love (though often frustrated:)every day. I'm being challenged in new ways which is both irritating (hello pride...), and a blessing.

I think the Lord has shown me how selfish, irritable, and prideful I am. That I have a tendency to seek out my own comfort and joy in order to sustain a seemingly secure identity.
I think He is showing me that my identity cannot be found in any relationship.

However, I also think He is teaching me that He has created me with certian steengths.

I'm loyal, loving, self-controlled, and sensitive (for better-or-worse ha). But I'm learning that these attributes are not accidental, but perhaps intentionally provided.

And I'm learning that it's okay to protect my heart, to feel the way I do, and to let go of things I simply can't control... Even if it hurts.

And truthfully... I'm just enjoying where I am, with all that is here, despite all that's missing or concerning... I'm just glad for all of the above.

I think sometimes you just have to stop and appreciate where you are, wherever that is... and I sure am:)

Richard is on a trip with his small group this week. Such a relaxing time, and a great reminder of what a gift he is in my life. He is so patient, so strong, so attentive, so gracious, and such a man of character... I just couldn't ask for anything better:)

I honestly never thought I could enjoy one person's company so much! I swear... I'm in love with the greatest man in the world. So stupid to phrase it that way, but I love knowing that it's how I really feel. What a gift!

Can't wait to hear all about his trip!!!

That's the update.

Update...

Is that not the worst blog title ever???

It's called laziness. Lame, I know.

My update:
- Jet lag is subsiding, as is my whinning about it.
- Glad to be back to work.
- No I'm not working right this second.
- Yes, I'm at the beach.
- Yes, there are far more productive things I should be doing.
- No, I don't care.
...
- Enjoying getting back into a better workout routine.
- Planning to cook more this year.
- Doubting it will actually happen.
- Sarah wants me to read the Bible in a year with her... probably a good idea for easily-distracted self.

And a new tradition for my blog, titled 'Opionions I consider facts'... Which really, could be used to sum up my view on most opinions I have, but I think it's catchy.

'Opionion I consider fact' #1: NO man looks attractive in a speedo. I don't care what your build, age, skin color, or country of orgin is... It looks BAD.

Jet lag is a b@&:!

Before I moved here, I had the impression that traveling to and from Hawaii consisted of a little bit longer flight, perhaps some out-of-season clothing, and some patience while your sleep schedule adjusted.

Having made several trips back to the mainland however, I have a VERY different perspective.

A good trip requires:
- about a thousand dollars for a ticket, plus food and lodging.
- enough time beforehand to get the rest you need to make it there without getting sick.
- usually several items you'd never normally have buy living in Hawaii (aka something other than beach clothes).
- enough money saved to make up for what you don't make in the amount of time you are gone.
- enough down time once you arrive to recover from traveling and the time change.
- ear plugs (there will ALWAYS be a baby on the plane... 9 hours of crying...), melatonin, Advil pm & regular, Claritin (odds are good that you'll experience allergies being in air conditioning and heating for the first time in months), tums (odds are also good that with the change of food and water that your tummy will be off), lotion and moisture-rich hair products (its unreal how dry my skin and hair get like instantly!!), suvineers for family and friends, etc.

The greatest costs are time and money. I've decided that all and all, traveling from Hawaii is about a month long process: a week to prepare, 2 full days of travel, 2 full days of sleeping to recover from traveling, 6 days to get passed the jet lag and feel like a normal person, and about 7 days to actually spend enjoying onself at the destination (bc frankly, anything less than a week just isn't worth it!).

On every single trip to the mainland, I've felt sick and tired about 75% of the visit.

When I went to SC for back-to-back weekends I had no time to rest before wedding #1 and pretty much felt like a zombie the whole time.

Which I suppose is what frustrates me... If you take all the effort to get somewhere and then feel like a mess, it's just annoying!!

That is my rant about traveling from Hawaii...

Motivated by the fact that I've been home for three days now and still feel pretty exhausted and out-of-it haha.

On the bright side, it's clearly a blessing to be able to see everyone I love!!! So really can't complain about that;)

2011....

I'm blogging from my phone while sitting on the beach (hate me if you want, it's not my fault our weather is amazing). Not really sure if it will even work, but whatever.

2011... Is over. Which is incredibly bitter sweet.

Having just returned from my trip to St. Louis for two weeks, I feel suddenly more aware of where I've been, what I've learned, and how different my life has become.

I'm not good at transitioning... At all. So the last few years, with all their changes, have felt like a perpetual state of limbo- constantly trying to move forward but feeling the constant challenge to just keep my head above water.

I've wanted, so badly, just to feel at home and not overwhelmed by missing people nonstop.

Leaving my friends in college left me without the desire to form new friendships. Difficulties with my first job left me feeling like I had very little to contribute to the work environment. Getting over a guy I had dated all throughout highschool and college left me feeling like I wasn't worth much and probably couldn't be close to someone like that again.

If I'm honest, moving to Hawaii might have been my way of running away, of trying to start over, of moving forward.

Ironically that choice has led to anything but running away from everything. Rather it's been a time of self-reflection (when you spend most of your time alone it's sort of hard to avoid it:), seeing lots of insecurities, and trying to let go of past/present hurts.

Living on this island, at this stage of my life, is potentially the biggest blessing I could have asked for.

Not because it's been easy, but because it hasn't been easy. It's been hard, and yet being surrounded by water makes it more difficult to just run away from things. Which is what I believe God intended; to lead me to a place where I can't run and have to let go of so many things... Including my agenda;)

2011 has left me with more questions than answers, but a new appreciation for many things, especially the freedom and security I have in Christ.

Day 1 of 2012: I look around and actually feel thankful, more at peace, and believe-it-or-not...at home.

:)

Thanks to Richard and his family, my crazy guy friends who adopteded me as their little sister, my parents, and Sarah (for listening to it all:), for support and encouragement during this time... Truly peiceless.

Excited for 2012!!