Refreshing

Saw a manta ray and a sea turtle today while kayaking in one of the most beautiful bays in the world.

God provided comfort and joy and peace in lots of unexpected ways this week.

And two weeks from now, I'll be in St. Louis with my family.

Can't lie, not much else matters right now and that's a refreshing feeling.

:)

"What is"

New favorite artist... Anna Vandas. I found her on my Norah Pandora station. She has a song titled "What is" that talks about love and the world's way of distorting it. 

The following lyrics are from the chorus of the song, and I think they might sum up the best questions to ask ourselves in hard moments and difficult situations. 

"What is good?

What is pure?

What is right?

What is love?

What is truth?

What is holy in your sight?

.....................................

Can we be holy in your sight?

... We are holy in your sight"

Great Day...

Such a refreshing day:)

So blessed to have such encouraging people in my life.

Met new friends. Laughed with the kids I watch. Hung out with old friends. Was surprised with sweet things by my very thoughtful boyfriend.

God is creative sometimes.

He knows just what I need and when I need it.

And today that just makes me smile in thankfulness.

:)

What a gift

I've talked to my dad every day this week.

At least once.

Today twice.

Yeah... good thing I have such a great one.

... for all the times when I'm tired and confused and hurt and sad.

For all the times when life is just too much.

He listens and encourages and stands up for me along the way.

And this year, this week, today especially... has kinda kicked my ass.

So thanks God, for giving me a father who loves me so well.

... All the time.

... Just because I am his.

And thanks for doing that tenfold for each of your children.

What a gift.

Opposites attract...

Richard's reaction to potentially stressful situations. Slightly different than mine... 

Thankful list

I'm thankful for:
- rainy days in Hawaii
- my brothers; my two actual ones and the many others who treat me like a little sister
- fun nail polish colors
- thrift stores
- Richard
- Indian food
- the ocean; even though it separates me from people I love
- the ability to be physically active
- my family; the best in the world
- laughter
- coffee
- my dad who demonstrates fatherly love so well
- angry birds
- friends
- freedom
- brightly-colored running shoes
- brightly-colored running shorts
- long days at the beach
- Taylor swift albums
- times to work hard
- times to play
- blogging

The missing note

My mom, as many of you know, works at a high school in St. Louis. She takes care of more kids than any normal person would ever want to, and she is great at it.

This week was an especially busy time for her and I wanted to send her flowers. I looked at some websites and found similar problems: too expensive, flowers looked crappy, and no one advertised "willing to walk around a crazy high school and search for curly-haired lady who is most likely doing something ridiculous like trying to stop a fight or help a pregnant student get to the hospital".

So I asked my pseudo little sister Stephanie to pick out flowers and write a note from me... and hand deliver them. She was a great sport and took them at just the right time!

Unfortunately, the letter got misplaced. It happens, no biggie.

But since I'm not going to have her rewrite it, I'd add it to the blog where it can be read whenever:)

The note read:

"Mama,

I know these are very busy days for you, and I just wanted to say I love you and think about you all the time. I wish I could be there this week so badly, but I suppose it all works out because I know there are so many kids there that need your time and attention. Thanks for being an incredible mom to me, the boys, and half of inner city St. Louis ; ) We are all so blessed to have you!

Kates"

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, especially my family:)

Quote of the day

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague"

... ha.

My great grandmother can take your great grandmother.

Fact... my great grandmother is tougher than me.

A little background: Viola Graff, born 95 years ago, lives on a farm in Minnesota. Which equals a lot of work, a lot of cooking, and A LOT of snow. She and her husband lived on the same farm for some 70 plus odd years (until he passed away a few years ago), where she has tended to her vegetable and flower garden religiously. She has faced family problems, farming issues, and several medical procedures in her lifetime. Not to mention, the loss of her husband. Almost all of her family lives in other places.

Yes, I come from farm people. Which is sort of ironic since I don't like to cook, be in cold weather, grow anything, wake up early, or stay focused on any given task for very long.

Somewhere I have farmers genes though...

Yesterday I received a call about my great grandmother. She was apparently shoveling the snow (several feet of it was on the ground...), and when coming in the house wearing her snow boots, slipped down an entire flight of stairs--only to land on a cement floor. :(

What did she do, having landed very hard on the floor (which we later learned caused two breaks in her tibia)????

She proceeded to pull herself up the entire flight of stairs to reach a telephone and get help.

She had surgery last night and she seems to be recovering well (praise God).

Okay so putting aside that this was really sad and it kills me that she was in so much pain... I just HAVE to go on the record of saying, that this story is completely bad ass. I mean, this woman has the pain tolerance of a super hero and continues to amaze me with just how strong she is.

95 years old, people. Shoveling snow, falling down the stairs, and handling it. That's crazy.

Further proof that our generation is soft.

Obviously I wish this incident would never have happened. But being that it did, I just can't help but think that my grandma, a woman of faith, in all her years and all her experiences, is pretty darn tough.

If it were me, I probably would have laid there complaining to God and feeling sorry for myself.

She is kind of my hero today.

And frankly, next time I begin to get so bogged down by issues that are minute in the grand scheme of things, I hope I can remember her strength and pray to be more like that:)

In all seriousness though, please be praying for her recovery and all that it entails. Clearly a tough woman, but I pray her pain will be minimal.

Not so pretty huh?

I have become a poor blogger because my IPhone fills that desire to use technology:).

Okay, maybe not. Maybe I'm just being a slacker because I don't have too much I'm proud to say right now.

But an update all the same:

I have been working more than ever... praise God for that. But I find that the hours of cleaning and chasing kids leave me with little energy or emotion to devote elsewhere. Although this is truly exhausting, it's also perhaps a blessing because I have a tendency to possess more energy and emotion than I know what to do with:).

If I'm honest, I'd say my biggest struggle at the moment is that life isn't going just as I had planned; according to my timeline and up to par with what I think it should look like. And in that disappointment, I struggle to know how to act and what to do.

I know, I know... I'm healthy. I get to see my family soon. I'm loved well. I have work. I have shelter. I have food. I have friends. I have a very sweet boyfriend. I don't have it all together, but I am certainly blessed by the Lord in so many ways.

There is so so much to be thankful for. And I am. Probably not enough, but I am thankful and I do see these things.

But I'm also frustrated. Frustrated that I don't have control of everything. Frustrated that St. Louis doesn't seem to be drifting any closer to Hawaii. Frustrated that even with the knowledge and love of the Lord that I have, I still don't naturally desire His will above my own. Or if I do, I'm sure not acting like it... otherwise I probably wouldn't be so frustrated to start with ha.

Details aside, that's sad. Given that I serve a God who loves me beyond comprehension, has provided for me all my life, and is faithful to every promise He has ever and will ever make... well, it's sad.

I'd say there are a few circumstances in life that are disappointing me or frustrating me right now. And I'm hurting as I work through them. But more than that, I'd say I'm disappointed at my own sinful heart and reaction to things. I'm disappointed by my reaction to disappointment... which is fear/pride/anger/other crappy things.

Not so pretty huh? Yeah, tell me about it.

That's my update. Sorry it's a downer, just being honest.

Looking forward to some refreshing time with my family. Plane ticket is purchased for Christmas and I can't even express how excited I am to be going to see everyone!

Conversation of the day...

The three-year-old I babysit (From the backseat of the car...): "Katie, I'm threw my apple juice out the window."


Me: "What??!!! Why would you do that??" (Not yelling, but a good deal confused). 


Little girl: "Well I was finished, and I saw a trash can". 


:) 

The new iPhones kick ass

I'm sorry, but there is no better way to say it.

Before you assume I'm being shallow hear me out....

I'm not even slightly obsessed with phones. I've had several ghetto phone since I was 16.

Saying that, I might be *am* biased, but I'm pretty sure the iPhone 4S (or whatever the heck its' title is:) kicks some serious ass.

My phone died last week. It was a looooooooong time coming. The weeks prior were spent trying to get it to charge and praying that it wouldn't die right away. I would leave it plugged in all day... and then it'd die right away. I couldn't receive all texts, etc. etc. etc. (Tragic tale.... I know).

Water damage (more than once) + 2 years + way too much texting = dead phone.

So Richard and I discussed phones and plans and shopped around this past Saturday.

Once we learned my sweet younger brother had stolen my update last June for his own phone, we realized I was already in another two year contract with my family plan.

Soooo... since that meant a cheaper phone bill (25-year-olds do stay on their parents plans sometimes!!!... :), we decided to go for a nice phone.

Richard, in an attempt to tell me that there were several good options, described the iPhone as "like having a Mac instead of a PC".

Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn't fully understand my love for Macs and my strong opinion that they are the better computer... hands. down. So in that comment I pretty much decided this was the way I'd like to go if possible.

7 hours, 2 Apple stores, 3 Sprint store visits, and several conversations later.... we found the phone we were searching for and got it set up. :)

I realize it's only an item. I realize our culture is too consumed with technology. I realize these things are too expensive without an upgrade available.

..... However, it is the coolest phone ever. I feel like credit should be given where it is due!

There really are some incredibly smart people out there... most of whom I think might be working for Apple.

This phone responds with voice activation to a variety of commands... in a variety of languages.

Its' apps could keep any person thoroughly entertained for far too long.

The picture-taking capability is unreal.

It allows me to chat live, send videos/pictures/texts in an instant, and SO. MUCH. MORE.

And well, let's just say I almost feel guilty for how thankful I am to have one to use! So much fun:)

Thanks Richard for such a thoughtful early Christmas gift... you are the best!

In a place...

I love living in a place where my boyfriend can walk to my apartment, and pick these on the way.

... and I love having a boyfriend who thinks to pick them for me. :)

Like a 7-year-old

Ever feel like you are seeing yourself in a younger form??

I do.

All the time.

This would be one of the results of spending my days with two second graders and one first grader.

Today, however, probably topped all the others.

One of the twin boys I watch basically demonstrated the way I process emotions and events... (yes, apparently it's still like a seven-year-old... cool.)

I picked him up from school and at first he acted totally fine, just a bit spaced out.

Once he had five minutes to sit still, (as we drove home), he was in a COMPLETELY different mode.

I didn't pick up on this right away.

Not until he asked me for something that I couldn't let him do, and almost started crying when I said no.

Clearly an abnormal response since I am POSITIVE that this child does not care about this issue what-so-ever.

Then when I asked him if everything was okay, he stopped to think and just said "no". Note that he seemed to just be learning this along with me.

Ten questions later, we discovered that his feelings were hurt earlier in the day when a friend said he didn't want to be his friend anymore because he couldn't run fast enough (harsh world!!!).

We talked about it, I listened, he told me about how he only has one other friend, and then like magic (and with a hug:), his spirits were lifted.

Fast forward 45 minutes... he mentions that his tummy is hurting, that he feels tired, and that he didn't eat much today.

I notice he is struggling greatly to complete homework and seems to not be able to focus at all.

Like watching myself... no joke.

So...

Steps to processing emotions for this kid and myself:
1. Sincerely don't even realize he is/I am upset.
2. Get angry/sad about something unrelated, but don't understand why.
3. Talk it out to discover the root: hurt feelings.
4. Talk it out some more.
5. Feel relief.
6. Realize/experience all the ways this anxiety has manifested itself in my body throughout the day.
7. Realize that the results of such stressor are actually harder to deal with than the root.
8. Not really know how to shake it for a while, as he/I still feel the anxiety correlated.

I kid you not, this is like clockwork with both my small friend and myself, and fascinating to observe from the other side:)

I don't know why some people experience circumstances a certain way.

I don't know why some people react with a variety of emotions to the same situation.

I don't know why at 25 years old, it's STILL difficult for me to separate my true reactions to things from the anxiety I feel.

What I do know is that when you are like me, and you don't just instantly process how you feel with what's going on at the time... it's really REALLY frustrating to understand.

Ironically though, (or not at all;), I think being this way helps me know how to talk others through things. Not that I'm always great at it! But I do see it differently because of how I think.

So perhaps even in my weakness, I can be used. All glory to God if so.

:)

My secret fear...

Spiders? Snakes? Small places? Elevator doors closing on me?

Yes. (Even the last one... would just be a bad way to go out... )

But those aren't so secret really.

If you've ever seen me move quickly across an elevator door frame, you would have no doubts about that fear:)

Secretly though, I have a fear that God may be preparing me to have twins some day. (Richard is probably starting to have a fight-or-flight reaction just reading this...).

Okay, so before you assume I'm being just completely ridiculous, hear me out.

I spoke with a family yesterday that is looking for a fill in nanny whenever theirs', (my good friend), is unable to make it. Great, no biggie.

As I was thinking about meeting these people, I had an euphony: all together I have watched/babysat/nannied not two, not three, not four... but FIVE SETS OF TWINS.

Doesn't that seem a little bit strange??

I mean, I only grew up knowing one set of twins, so five just seems like an abnormally high number.

What's my point?

I don't really have one. Just saying... kind of odd!!

If I end up being right someone should remind me I wrote this blog, so I can't pretend I'm surprised.

:)

Made my day...

What made your day today??

For me it was a few things.

Sleeping in.

Getting bills paid.

Great run.

Catching up with friend I miss.

Tennis game with Richard.

aaaannnnnnddddd....

Cleaning up my most recent Goodwill find, a basket/magazine holder/whatever else I can use it for:)

I think it's pretty darn cute for $2.99.

Hope some simple but sweet things made your day too:) 

Hawaii 5-0

Relax... I wasn't arrested.

Nor did I get to be an extra in the hit TV show.... (working on it though!)

Both would probably have made for cooler blog entries. Sorry... can only use what I have to work with people.

So yes, my experience with "Hawaii 5-0"....

In early July, Richard and I were standing in a parking lot outside of a restaurant, when we heard an extremely loud crash coming from the road near by.

We both proceeded to run out to the street to see what caused the sound. Instantly we observed two people driving an SUV backwards down the road... swerving viciously the entire way. This car had smoke coming out of the front and appeared to have just tail-ended another car, (that was sitting at the light with a smashed backside).

Now... given what you may know about my boyfriend and I, would you guess that we had the same reaction to all this happening so quickly??

Nooooope.

Richard instantly... and I mean, as if it was a freaking REFLEX or something, started running down the sidewalk in the direction which the car was moving (What??!! Who moves towards the danger??!!... weirdo!:).

Apparently he was able to piece all of this scene together, reacting abnormally quickly and knowing that the license plate code would be vital in this scenario. (Yes, secretly a super hero I think).

(I know I sound biased, but I'm telling you it went: loud sound, run to road, see car, boyfriend running down the road--all in less than a minute.)

I however, did not put all of this together nearly as quickly.

No, no... I stood there staring at the car and wondering if there was some malfunction occurring that forced it to fly backwards.

Yes, simultaneously Richard was chasing after these people and I was concerned for their safety (assuming they wouldn't be intentionally acting so nuts).

After a few minutes passed, (and some common sense kicked in), I realized this was in fact a hit-and-run that we just witnessed.

Shortly after, Richard returned back. Though unable to retrieve the plate info personally, he successfully managed to send two more of our friends (who were driving by at the time) on a chase to accomplish the task.

So the cops arrived and started talking to us. We answered a few questions and then I left to go inside the restaurant and eat dinner. Within a few minutes, a few of my friends arrived and said that the cops were wanting to talk to me.

Long-story-slightly-shorter... I was the ONLY one who really (and admittedly)  got a look at them and therefore was needed to a) drive by and attempt to identify the suspected criminals (who had been caught at this time), and b) fill out a witness statement.

Wasn't able to confidently complete "a", and "b" seemed like just a formality that would soon be forgotten.

Fast forward three months.... I received a supeona in the mail saying the prosecuting attorney needed me to come be a witness for the trial.

UGH.

Now let me pause to explain... I was watching this unfold in front of me, but I made it VERY clear that I couldn't clearly identify anyone and details were hard to recall as it happened SO fast. I said this to the officers on the day it happened... but didn't seem to matter.

Clearly these people didn't realize I have the memory of a goldfish so three months = I'd be NO help what-so-ever.

Buuuut I showed up to court, ready to say the very little I could recall confidently.

Never went on the stand, (client pleaded guilty), but learned a whole lot about how all this works.

Note to self: Don't get involved unless you are REALLY wanting/able to help see everything through. Otherwise it just ends up being a waste of time and energy.

Three hours outside a courtroom with Richard... simply due to the fact that I  saw it all happen... because what was happening didn't line up in my head fast enough to stop staring. Go figure.

....

On-the-other-hand, who knows how much it strengthened the prosecutor's case simply having an "eye-witness" present??

Who knows, but I like to think it led to some good:)

Oh don't worry... Richard thought this image of me going to attempt to identify the witness was hilarious. Cool... really cool. 

Christmas isn't in October??

I realized last night, as I was crying watching a show about families that all live right by each other (no, not Modern Family... though I do love that one), that I'm beating my record for most time passed without seeing my family.

Hadn't realized it would even bother me. Not that I don't miss them all, of course I do. But It's not like I've never left home. I attended collage 13 driving hours away for four years and all. (Yes, only four years... geez, don't assume I'm one of those...).

Anyway, lately, this week especially, I've just been missing them like crazy. I think the reality of where I live and what that may or may not look like for awhile, if not forever, is kicking my butt.

Up till now I've never gone longer than between 3-4 months without seeing my mom. In college there was thanksgiving, then Christmas, then Spring break (my mom would come visit during hers), then the summer. Then I moved home.

Fast forward a year or so and I move to Hawaii in August. Then Christmas, then Nate's wedding in June, and now we are to October.

Did you know Christmas is not in October??? Shit.

This means about three more months without my mom's hugs, and playing games with my dad, and watching movies with my brothers, and getting to know my new (and pregnant!) sister-in-law, and playing with my niece.

I'm all about the adventure of being here, I swear I am. But if you think that 7 months away from family doesn't make me seriously question my decisions, you'd be wrong.

The thing is, not everyone has a good family. Many MANY people have a hard time even enjoying their families. Many struggle to feel loved or express love to their families. Many people see spending time with family as an obligation to be completed as fast as possible.

I'm not one of these people.

Moving here is like a shot of perspective to what you have.

I have such a wonderful family and I'm extremely blessed to have them to miss in the first place.

But man... Christmas just can't come fast enough!

The thing is, I know I couldn't really leave this place right now. I actually have started to love it and feel like my life is here. But if Hawaii accidentally got picked up and dropped down like a few thousand miles closer to St. Louis (yes, I realize logistically this is insane), I'd be okay with that:)

Old School Christmas pic.... yes, Jordan's hair is amazing. 

My friend Sarah Brown

Yep, I named this blog after my friend.

.... Who is probably the only one who reads in anyway, so it's okay:)

I have this friend. She is the best. Her name is Sarah Brown.

When I moved to Hawaii she came along with me to make sure I didn't freak out as soon as I got off the plane. (Or I should say to make sure I didn't freak out more than I did:).

She has shown me what it means to be a dedicated friend. I'm sure I test her patience at times, but she is always there and teaches me so much about the Lord and about life. I respect her more than I could put in words and my thankfulness for her is pretty much impossible to explain.

Have you ever had a friend that you felt just understood you? Understood you enough to let you be you, even in the worst moments or  most embarrassing moments? This would be Sarah in my life.

I'll admit, not everyone has the capacity to do that with me. I can fall apart at times (more often than I wish!) and really be a spaz at others. But Sarah's friendship and dedication to being apart of my life have been priceless--especially these past two years.

She. Is. A. Gift.

Not just to me, but to others as well.

http://www.postandcourier.com/news/2011/oct/02/hot-dog-ministryyoung-christian-volunteers/

Check out the above link to see the ministry her and her now husband run each week. I couldn't be more proud of them and their love for the Lord that serves to bless those in need in Charleston, SC.

What an excellent example of serving and loving others.

Thank you Sarah and Leland for the time, money, and energy you put towards the hotdog ministry each week. I'm blessed to simply hear about it and I'm so thankful to have friends who love the Lord so much:)

... (this article just might help me to remember not to call you during Tuesday evening Charleston time.. doubtful, but just maybe;)

yum

My hood.

ALL beauty

"All beauty is only a reflection. 

And whether I am conscience of it or not, 

any created thing of which I am amazed, 

it is a glimpse of His face to which I bow down. 

Do I have eyes to see it's Him and not the thing?"

Excerpt from One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully

This is insulting to Hawaii...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDF_SXpXnLM

Definition of Friendship (in my eyes:)

I've had a variety of friends in my 25 years of life.

Most were around for a bit and then due to distance, differences, and/or whatever we grew apart.

Sustaining friendships is a challenge to start with, and all my transitioning over the last few years has taught me what I really value in a friendship, as well as what causes great harm to me in one.

I don't think friendship is all about what you can get from it, in fact I would suggest that it's more about how you can serve and love others. I don't think friendship is about always doing the right thing either... that's not practical.

Saying that, I can tell you which friends in my life I feel truly loved by, and this is pretty priceless in my opinion.

And I find that the older I get, the more particular I am about the friendships I form. Not to say that I'm looking for the perfect person or am too good to be friends with anyone, not at all. (Let's be honest, I can be a handful so I appreciate anyone who puts up with me over time; ). But having been hurt a great deal from some relationships in the past, I tend to guard my heart a bit more these days.

And as things get busy, as priorities change, and as life throws a few challenges my way, I have begun to learn what a true friend (for me at least) is.

I believe that people, due to differences in backgrounds/personalities/weaknesses/etc. experience love in different ways. So the following probably doesn't apply to everyone, but it is accurate for me:)

A friend who blesses me... 

Will almost always let me be me.... with the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not to say he/she won't offer challenge or advice when needed, but that he/she understands that my feeling secure in our relationship might be more valuable than fixing a certain issue.

Strives to be encouraging with words and actions.

Views our relationship as a gift and not a burden.

Listens and understands that generally I just need to talk things out.

Can laugh easily.

Will reassure me when I feel anxious, and not use that moment to tear me down.

Can be honest with me in a graceful way.

Appreciates the person I am.

Doesn't talk poorly about me to others.

Can be trusted.

Has confidence in me even when I lack it myself.

Enjoys my company.

Sees the things I struggle with as opportunities to love and encourage me, not annoyances.

Shows me respect.

Mourns with me when I am hurting.

Carries me when I can't carry myself.

Is protective.

Shows me that his/her love for me is unconditional not because of what I do, but because I am his/her friend.

This person finds joy and value in our relationship.

He or she can see me just as I am, and love me all the same.

More than anything though, a true friend to me doesn't go anywhere (figuratively, that is), and therein instills confidence in his/her love for me. (Meaning I trust this person is in it for the long run and therefore I don't need to prove anything or constantly make the friendship work).

This is what it means to me to be loved, this is what it means to feel freedom and security in a relationship, and this is what I am thankful for today.

My only perfect friend is Christ, and Christ alone.

But the people like my mom and dad, like Sarah, like Laura, like Hannah, like my younger brother, like Kelli, like Audrey, and esp like Richard.... they love me SO well, and they teach me what it means to be a real friend, and to love in a Christ-like fashion.

Through these examples and more, I have not only been blessed greatly, but have begun to learn how incredibly secure I can be in my relationship with Christ who loves me perfectly.

I can only hope that I will use these things I appreciate as a guide to loving others well. I so often fall short, but I desire to love this way.

In addition, I can only hope that when I am not loved well (or when I do not love well), in a friendship, that  that experience can serve a purpose still. Not for the pain in causes, but so that I may learn how to better love others, and can learn the superiority in God's love for me.

After all, if I truly love those in my life, than I'd prefer to be the one who is hurt and learns from it, than to cause hurt for others right?

That's my schpeel on friendships for the day.

:)

:)

Days 3-12.... Getting a grip

Okay this title kinda confirms that I'm a slacker.

Buuuut.... much of what I've been thinking through and such is similar to what I talked about early in the month... so in hopes to not scare all readers away, I didn't rewrite the same entry 12 times:)

But, I find that in an effort to seek the Lord I am both surprised and challenged daily. Which I suppose is what it's all about:) I'm intrigued by the things I am learning, and humbled by seeing lots of various things in my life that I hadn't seen before.

God is cool like that.

I'm reading a book that emphasizes the act of looking for things one enjoys/loves throughout the day and therein thanking God for whatever that is along the way. The author shows how by simply appreciating/recognizing the things that bring joy (in the midst of others that are hard or painful), that a person can have a thankful heart that's simply more aware of God and His goodness.

I like this.

A lot.

It makes sense too. In a society driven by success, comfort, and happiness... it's easy to always be looking at those things which may deter us from these "goals". While in-and-of-themselves these goals are not bad, I believe that they can and do often rob us of an accurate perspective.

We get caught up in what we are missing rather than seeing what we actually have.

If I'm being honest, I think part of this just selfishness at the core.

Discontentment due to being far from God is one thing. Discontentment because nothing is EVER enough is another thing.

So in recognizing my too often discontent spirit, I have started to see that it's not a matter of being far from God. It's not a matter of needing to talk with Him or read about Him or be at some religious event every second of the day.

No.

One can seek God by simply looking around to see what there is to be thankful for and recognizing it for what it is.... a gift from Him.

This requires slowing down and being in the moment; two things I am NOT even sort of good at doing.

But when I try for even a few minutes, I am quickly overwhelmed by just how much good there is and just how amazing God is... and just how much my heart and spirit truly do delight in Him.

All that to say, it's easy to get caught up in what's not here, what's wrong with the moment, or a million other distracting and/or disappointing details of life. They are certainly present in this VERY fallen world with us VERY fallen people. But that will kill a person's joy.

That kills my joy... when I choose to let it.

This concept is not about being blind to the evil/bad/shitty aspects of life. It's about being able to walk through life anyway because God is still good. I consider this a joy-sustainer, as it provides true perspective on a daily basis.

aka.... getting a grip.

... being able to see what's wrong and walk right through it because God is with me and He is everywhere. And when I forget to see that, well I tune out, I distract myself, and I simply try to cope. I live like a person without hope.

I am a person with lots of my own issues, lots of concerns, lots of stupid insecurities.

What I am not, is a person without hope. I have hope always and sometimes I just need to practice recognizing that so that I can live accordingly.

That's about it for now:)

Some days...

Some. Days. I. Just. Miss. My. Family.

Worst pool rules ever...

Richard I went to Maui last weekend. Very very VERY fun:) Instead of including the shots of all the beautiful sights, I'm going with the sign next to the hotel pool. 

No Marco Polo... seriously?!!

I find this sign hilarious for too many reasons. :) 

:)

These would be my "gifts" from today. Given to me by my favorite first grade girl, Chloe, whom I nanny every day. 

She is hilarious. 

We had some one-on-one time today and the following took place:

- A VERY detailed explanation of why she was in tears all last night and this morning... she was scared of the new "pony tail rule" for P.E. This rule is exactly what it sounds like. She was terrified as she has never worn this hairstyle before. However, she reassured me that it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be and in fact, the crying wasn't really necessary. 

- An hour and a half homework session in which she did about 10 minutes of work while talking non stop about everything you can imagine. I checked out for awhile during the story about her early preschool years. 

- During her reading time, in which she reads aloud, she proceeded to say the type of punctuation in each sentence. "Dear Mom and Dad comma. I love you period...." and so on. 

- She made me these sweet crafts for my fridge:) Hopefully she won't figure out I actually suck at drawling ("drowing"), any time soon. Hate to put a damper in our bond and all. 

... Love this kid! 

Day 2

Nope... I have yet to come up with a more creative title for my posts this month.

Mission to focus my scattered mind on the Lord continues.

People talk about God transforming hearts and minds. I think sheerly knowing Him is a great start to this. I think His word is a great help in this process. But I'm finding that no words written or spoken can really be compared to simply asking God to fellowship with you... continually.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not walking around honolulu trying to over-spiritualize everything. I'm just finding joy and peace in experiencing my relationship with Him in a more consistent way (that is on my part... God never lacks consistency:).

In an odd way, my ability to easily wander in thoughts is blessing this journey of seeking Him out.

Frankly, I'm used to having to try and refocus myself and guide my attention.

Since it's never been easy to put my attention in one place, (ask my mom for some good example and I'm sure she'll provide plenty:), I have a bit more endurance in this attempt, as opposed to feeling disheartened quickly.

In other words... it's not a real shocker when I find my thoughts bouncing all around and needing to focus in. I'll remind myself all day long and that'll actually feel fairly normal... simply a shift in what I'm *trying* to focus on.

Ummm... one observation I have really made over the past two days even, is that when you are asking God to help you focus on Him, you notice A) areas where you really do lack Christ-like thought, and B) how much easier it is to think of others instead of oneself.

So yep... God is kinda cool like that.

If these blogs seem redundant and basic I make no apology--not trying to sound like a spiritual genius here (thankfully since I'm falling way short of that!)... I'm just tellin it how it is.

Off to Maui this weekend. Handsome/thoughtful boyfriend has planned a last minute trip! What a blessing he is:)

Day 1.

As I wrote about yesterday in my blog... I'm really trying to be intentional about refocusing on the Lord this month, as its come to my attention that I'm a bit too wrapped up in other things.

"A bit" meaning most of the time.

I also explained that my generally scattered brain makes this an obstacle (though not using that as an excuse), but that I'm asking the Lord to teach me how to fellowship with Him throughout my days despite my short attention span.

So moving on...

I opened my Bible to this verse (no joke): "We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away," Hebrews 2:1.

Some people think God doesn't have a sense of humor. I would disagree STRONGLY. :)

Anyway, this concept of focusing on the Lord is not rocket science. It's actually extremely basic.

But more-or-less I'm trying to help myself think of things that are glorifying to God continually... and to allow that to shape my perspective/desires/heart.

I'm literally praying "God, help me to focus on you", throughout my day.

I'm a creature of habit. If I can practice praying simple prayers to God throughout the day, I'll continue to do it forever probably. That's the plus of being a creature of habit.

Only problem is... I haven't been practicing these habits very diligently.... ever, really.

Sure I read my Bible, listen to music, go to church, try to pray... but these are short parts of the day that I mostly have implemented because I know I should, or in times of great pain/fear. Both reasons are not bad ones to seek the Lord, but I'd like to do so just out of love for Him and desire to serve Him. I'd like to do so out of simply desiring to have His company, rather than need or obligation.

And well, right now I truly do desire His company... Because I live in paradise, have my needs basically met, and am loved well by a very good man. I am loved greatly by a strong family, am healthy, am generally loved well by friends, and... somehow, it's not enough.

Most of the time I feel guilty about this "not enough" mindset. I feel like a brat for having that mentality when I've been blessed and provided for in so many ways.

I also feel guilty because I actually don't struggle with doubting God is good or that He loves me or that He has a plan. I feel very confident about those things--unswervingly confident actually.... so that should be enough to satisfy me, right?

It's not.

Having bits and pieces of God here-and-there, and strong confidence that He is everything He claims to be is not enough.

And I guess for the first time today, I really have been thinking that it might be okay that I feel this way. That maybe its not a reflection of just a selfish and undeserving heart (though it can be at times!), but more of my true desire to be close to God.

So my day 1: Realizing that trying to live in fellowship with God is difficult/not natural, but worth seeking out. Realizing that I like to be in control and have a hold on things, but that I can't do that and simultaneously surrender my life to God. And realizing that my discontentment may be more of a reflection of my heart's true desires that only God can fill, rather than of my own weakness.

Stay tuned for day 2.

Turns out there are 31 days in August.

Not sure why I thought today would be SEPTEMBER 1st, but apparently I missed that kindergarden lesson where we memorized the number of days in each month.

(That's the entire reason for my blog title... no, I'm not kidding )

So tomorrow is SEPTEMBER and I'm going to do something different and intentional this month with my blog/life.

This idea was inspired by my annoyance with the generally whiney sounding tone in many of my recent *all of the last year's* entries.

In other words... I'd like to get refocused.

So my goal for SEPTEMBER is relatively simple: attempt to focus on the Lord throughout the month and see what I notice.

(Why do I have to "see what I notice"? Because if I'm not looking for what I notice than I won't bother to look at all).

I know what you are thinking... this focusing on God bit isn't a brand new concept for a Christian life.

Yes, you'd be correct.

However I tend to get distracted from this habit far FAR too easily. Which, let's be honest, is no real surprise because I get distracted from just about everything far too .... oh, wow!!, cool bird outside....

.....

ha.

On a more sincere note, with all the changes this past year I think I've become far too focused on the circumstances of life--potentially so much that my basic peace in the Lord can be absent in my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I think that lots of changes and challenges over the past year is bound to rock and test my sense of peace in the Lord--I am after all a fallen person.

The thing is, I don't mind rocking and testing of faith (how else does is grow??), I do mind when I feel as though my mind and heart are so focused on the circumstances, (past, present, and future), that I miss out on enjoying simply being God's.

The odd thing I have also noticed is that a distraction really can be ANYTHING going on around me or in my life, that can dominate my perspective.

Duh, right?

But what I'm saying is that even the exciting, new, and fun things in my life can also hold my attention to a degree that they shouldn't.

Frankly, God never tells us to focus on what's going on around us. He says focus on Him.

In my daily thoughts I tend to always thinking about how things were, what's going on, or what's next.

This quality has always irritated me because it's sort of exhausting.

But today I was thinking about it (proving my point...), and I realized that perhaps God can use the way I think and work to bless me with His presence.

What I have is a busy mind. A mind that frequently makes me feel overwhelmed by too much going on at once, problems that arise, or feelings I have. Because when you have a busy mind, it's like it doesn't stop. It's as though I have a hunger for more thought than I really need to have, so I look to whatever I can to keep myself occupied.

Sounds silly, I realize.

But I think... just maybe, if I can direct my attention on the Lord throughout my day this quality may not kick my butt all the time.

If I can focus on Him and therein see and think in the context of my fellowship with God, this quality may be something He can use for His glory rather than a burden that keeps me consistently moving, rarely content, and eventually overwhelmed by something-or-other.

So that's my theory.

Being that I am so easily distracted, I think this will take some conscious effort to seek Him throughout the day, as well as His help to do so.

I'm going to use what I know about myself to help motivate me in this goal. It's nothing earth shattering, just an attempt to seek God despite the ability to wander so easily.

If this entry bores you, don't bother reading the rest of SEPTEMBER. :)

Ugh...

The title pretty much sums up my thoughts about this week.

Saturday I turned my ankle playing tennis. Which is fascinating considering that I played sports and have run for YEARS and never had this happen.

I know what you are thinking... I must be the worst injured person of all time--given my hatred of all things related to being still and inactivity.

You would be wrong. I have loved it.

Okay... not really.

Yes, I am the worst injured person of all time.

Not to mention, I came down with a stupid cold/flu virus on Monday. Which I should have seen coming given that the kids I nanny and their parents all had it the week before. Somehow I didn't though.

Okay if you are male stop reading...

To top it all off, I also started my period this week. Twisted ankle + cold/flu virus + period starting... = kill me now (as well as a LOT of ibuprofen and water) . Talk about a long ass week.

I called my mom for sympathy and she replied "aww sweetie, just think of it as God cramming misery into one week instead of spreading it out to several weeks." (Yes, she thinks she is funny...).

In conclusion: I promise to never complain about anything again on a day when I feel healthy and can be physically active. Never.

:)

It's Richard's birthday weekend so I'm praying to be better by tomorrow!!! He has been so sweet in taking care of me all week long.... so REALLY hoping I didn't get him sick too : /

I'm accidentally morphing into a cleaning lady

I have been nannying all year long (or all life long depending on how you look at it...).

Although not my dream job, overall it's provided some income and not made me go crazy (well that's mostly true).

Back last December, when I realized I actually needed to make more than what I did for four hours of nannying each day, I offered to put in some hours cleaning the house of this family I work for. A brilliant offer and I'm extremely thankful they chose to take me up on it.

As time has gone by the kids have grown up some (crazy how that happens...), and have become fairly self-sufficient in the pre-school hours of the day. Great for the family and the kids, not so great for my pay check.

(Okay, I really am glad for the kids to have time just with their parents each morning!!)

Point being, starting two weeks ago my hours got cut down from 4-4.5 to 2.5-3.

This is not enough. Clearly.

So in light of this switch I began praying for some more work.

Sure enough God has provided two other people who have asked me to clean on a weekly basis. A TRUE blessing, for sure.

I realized however, that I officially clean as much or more than I nanny these days. Which to be honest, I really like! When I clean I can just put on my headphones and do my own thing... no kids, no meals, no questions, no homework, no fights, no arguments... just me and a simple task. (No wonder my mom liked when we went to school...).

Oh and it gets better.

Turns out I really do LOVE moving all day long (shocking, I know). My teachers used to complain to my parents about this--apparently it is true. I find it much more enjoyable to move around then to sit at a desk. MUCH MUCH more.

So this is my update: I'm accidentally morphing into a cleaning lady... and I think I'm okay with that ; )

Call me odd or lacking in ambition--but I got to listen to music all day while I moved around in paradise... pretty sure that's awesome:)

A Year Ago Today....

... I had NO idea what I was getting into.

The good.

The bad.

The ugly.

.... No idea.

A year ago today I moved to Hawaii, very in love and very excited to begin my island life.

And well, it's been a long ass year, but hands down one of the best.

I am thankful to live in Hawaii and seem to only like it more and more the longer I am here. It has stretched me, tested my faith, frustrated the crap out of me, made me feel more insecure and uncomfortable than ever before.... but also surprised me, humbled me, and taught me so much about God and life.

I am so thankful for this year. So thankful to have had the opportunity to live here at all.

I have certainly fallen even more in love with Richard since my arrival. All our adventures, talks, dinners, and so much more... He is a good man and a man I greatly respect. He has taken better care of me in our dating relationship than I think many woman ever experience in their lives. And I feel very blessed to love him:) (oh and he is really hot... :).

But, even more than that, I have fallen more in love with God than anything. Because as good as Richard is at providing, comforting, and protecting me, he couldn't and can't do it all the time (no person can). Not he, nor anyone else could do it as much as I needed, especially through transitioning.

But God could, did, and does.

... That's what I learned. And I would say learning that was worth the move in-and-of-itself .

So yeah, live a year in Hawaii..... check!

Cool Apartment

I was blessed to live with my good friend Brittany during my last two years of college. 

I really enjoy her company and was therefore thrilled to get to see her along my travels to weddings this month. She is such a joy--so easy going, so kind, and so freaking fun to be around. 

As I've mentioned before, I don't always bond with girls. Frankly, I think most take a lot of work (I'm sure I'm one of those ; )... So I really appreciate that my friend really is SO easy to be with. I feel blessed to know her.  In our time hanging out, I was quickly reminded of how much joy I get from her personality and sense-of-humor. 

On a completely unrelated note (well still Britt-related)... her apartment is AMAZING! She lives in South Carolina in this sweet apartment that has like a rustic old factory look... but really modern and very cool. She did a great job decorating it and I absolutely loved every part!! 

I Have The Same Issues Today As I Did In Kindergarden.

Crap.

It's official... I have come to realize that the same struggles I had when I entered kindergarden are still present in my life today.

Talk about a lack of progression.

I used to and still do....

- Loose things ALL the time; used to be my barbies, now its my keys (today, yes just today I have lost them) and my phone.

- Get myself into problems due to my lack of auditory processing; used to be my mom telling me to go do something and walking to my room having absolutely NO clue what she said... now it's asking directions to the same place a million times and calling people by the wrong names.

- Miss my mom; I used to miss her while I was at school, now I miss her across the ocean.

- Require color-coordinated clothes. (really no differentiation from before till now...)

- Tease people far too much. In kindergarden I made a boy cry by telling him he was using the wrong adjective to describe the weather that day (apparently relentlessly with the goal of making him cry...). Now I just overuse sarcasm. (In my defense... I think in a sarcastic tone and only say about a fifth of what I'm actually thinking... some might call that self-control (I would not though) :).

- Am oversensitive.

- Need more rest than I take... (aka right now... two weddings in a row, traveling back to hawaii, catching up with much missed handsome boyfriend, going back to work, and life not seeming to slow any time soon... = I am exhausted. :).

In conclusion... ha, oh well.... Who wants to change that much from childhood anyway?? Those are the good years right??

:)

A Quick Update...

Spent last weekend attending my friend Laura's wedding.

It was b-e-a-u-t-f-u-l.

Her venue was super cool--kinda artsy/fun/trendyish... (cool, I'll work on more accurate adjectives one of these days:). Think fun lights, cool walls, picture booth corner, fun cupcakes, popular dance floor, bridesmaids in a variety of colors that all went together great, groom in bright-colored toms, and sooooo on.

It was lots of fun to meet up with old friends, meet some new ones, have a little time with the bride and her groom, and just get a glimpse of her life the past two years.

(When you go a year or so without seeing close friends you'll be amazed how much they change and grow and become even more who they are)

I loved seeing her new apartment which she so sweetly decorated from the awesome shower curtain to the fun furniture. I loved getting to ride in the car with her groom Elliot and observe how well he cares for her and how very much in love the two of them are:).

What a gift!! Just to see places and meet people who all make up her life.. and what a blessing to have the joy of being a part of it all.

Congrats to Laura and Elliot!! Your wedding was so fun and you both made it all look practically effortless along the way.

Although I could have stayed with all my college buddies much longer than I was able to, I'm thankful to have had a few moments here-and-there to learn more about their lives and see how much they all have continued to become wonderful people.

Walking through the city...

Lingerie party... not sure what those faces were for:)

Cute crafty gifts!!

Catching up on life:) 

My two favorite new wedding buddies... at the photo booth:)

Lots of hugs:)

That was Laura's wedding:) 

.... Now I'm in Charleston preparing for Sarah's big day. Loved just getting to her house Saturday night:) Trying not to be her little shadow all week but it's pretty hard!! Sure do love her company:)  

Simply Thankful

I don't blog about my relationship with my boyfriend much. I talk about my life here, but not so much the relationship.

I don't blog about him because it is an important part of my life that has been a challenge this year... and therefore a more private subject for me.

(That or he'd just make everyone else's boyfriend look bad... ha jk jk (kinda)).

The challenge however seems to be decreasing a great deal lately... as is the sensitivity ;)

So taking a look back...

It was more difficult than I presumed it would be going from dating long distance to living four blocks apart.

It was a challenge to realize how many differences in personality he and I have.

It was hard to make real life/big decisions about things when we were only in the fairly new dating stage of our relationship.

It was seemingly impossible sometimes to figure out how to communicate given our opposite ways of doing so.

.....

I think our dating relationship was kinda like taking a kid out of preschool and throwing he or she into high school :)

I would be lying if I said I have never thought about coming home, that we have never been frustrated, or that this year hasn't taken a toll on both he-and-I.

It has.

We have learned and continue to learn a lot, and the whole process was/is humbling.

So yes, the relationship itself has challenged us.

What's interesting though, is that almost this entire time the most difficult thing for each of us has been to watch the other one struggle, without feeling overwhelmingly accountable for that struggle ourselves.

What the heck do I mean???

When you move across the ocean for someone, or when someone moves across the ocean for you... it's a big step, a really BIG step. A step that brings a number of difficulties... that don't even have anything to do with our relationship itself... but can and did feel like they do.

As odd as it sounds, this is what I think has been most challenging thing for us to work through.

My billions of emotions that have come with being far and uncomfortable and jobless/houseless/carless. His learning to make big decisions and lead our relationship. My own journey of feeling lack of friendships, being surrounded by boys, and getting to know his family. His entire schedule being changed and providing time for just the two of us when he already has lots of people in his life... etc.

I can say with all confidence that the majority of the challenges I have faced since moving to Hawaii would have happened if I had moved here for any reason. But when "the reason" is clear (to be with my handsome man:) to both he and I, it brings a difficult aspect into the relationship.

An aspect I would best describe as guilt.

Guilt when things are hard, when anything is hard... because you are always overly aware that this transition has cost both of you a lot already and continues to do so.

It is much easier to let yourself struggle than to watch the person you love struggle. Fact.

And to-be-honest, its a lot more fun to just be that exciting long distance person whose phone call makes his/her day and whose trips are absolutely incredible, than to be the person who costs money, time, emotion, and energy. Not real life, but more fun.

Don't misread what I'm writing. I don't think guilt is the appropriate response per se...  just that it was sort of the natural one in this case.

I think guilt resulted because there was ZERO amount of transition time from one stage to the other for us. One day I was in St. Louis, working my own job, living with my family, etc., and the next I was here without knowing a sole and pretty much reliant on Richard to help me figure it all out.

Holy crap, no clue how we both didn't just run during week one. It was a lot.

And following this big transition overnight, we had the adventure of deciding seemingly everything together... from where to eat dinner, to what kind of apartment I should search for, to what was the best cleaning spray, to what shoes went better with my outfit (because I didn't have anyone else to ask for awhile ha:). It was our adventure, but it was a lot of details.

(Kidding about the cleaning spray though... did that by myself thanks ; )

Please remember, up until this point in our lives, neither one of us had really EVER had to make decisions like this together. Ever. Our dating in college was mostly long distance and just a whole different thing anyway.

.....................

All that to say, as we approach my one year mark for my moving here, I can't help but look back and feel kind of proud of the two of us for not giving up along the way. (I also can't help but laugh at the obvious things that made far more hard than I realized at the time).

I don't know anyone else my age who went about this stage of dating like this. It's kind of intense and it has taken a lot out of both of us.

And... we don't have everything figured out. In some ways I feel like our year of transition has exhausted both of us to the point where we are just trying to get back on track---back to "normal" life instead of transition mode.

I realized the need to get back to a normal mode about a month or two ago, and have been putting more effort towards doing things with female friends or on my own. I've really been prayerful about my outlook of being here and my focus (aka God, not Richard.. shocking, I know).

And guess what??

God has truly blessed that.

This stage of taking a step back and making some changes and being more independent has been amazing. For the first time in a year I have started feeling like myself again, felt like I have a bit of my own life here, and don't feel so weighed down by trying to make my relationship perfect all the time (fyi: guilt = lots of pressure to make perfect:).

.................

Yesterday Richard and I went to the beach together.

We didn't have to have any intense talks along the way, we didn't feel a constant pressure or guilt in our time together, we didn't have any communication issues, and we didn't get into any stupid arguments.

We just enjoyed each other.

(which no, this isn't the first time that's happened;)

But let me tell you... there isn't anyone I enjoy as much as him.

He makes me laugh by being his big goofy self.

He listens so well and gives good thoughts.

He tells me about things he is interested in (and repeats himself anytime I tune out:).

He swims with me and builds sand animals (not a joke.. its fun... shut up.)

He is considerate beyond what I knew anyone could be.

He is attentive and sweet.

And well, a day like yesterday reminds me that balance in relationships is good and that all the little frustrating details simply don't matter at the end of the day when you enjoy each other that much.

.... and I was reminded of all these things yesterday. We spend lots of time together, but yesterday seemed special because there was nothing else we had to do, no one we needed to meet up with, or any big decision we had to discuss.

And in my (slow) growing independence (which does scare me a little:), I see it all in a new light: Thankful to have had the challenges to grow us, and thankful that we both have worked through things together and learned along the way.

Simply Thankful.

Don't worry... Richard built our turtle a protective barrier so the water would not get to him!

:)

Richard made us dinner... yum:)  

I am VERY thankful to feel like I am starting to have my own life here too--so that I can just enjoy his companionship and not depend on it every moment of the day:)

Before I moved some wise friends and family encouraged me to try and build my own life here as soon-as-possible. I see now why that's important and I'm thankful I was provided that advice (though it took awhile to follow:).

So yeah, that is my blog about Richard and me.

We still have lots to learn, but it feels like we are finally getting to the really fun part--or at least past the crazy beginning transition part:)

All glory to God who has walked us (or pulled us) through each step of the way.

I am more excited about my life here than ever, am loving meeting new girls, and am excited about just enjoying my relationship with Richard right now:)