"Community"... not just the name of one of my favorite shows in the world (hilarious show FYI...), but also a concept of those people we surround ourselves... those people we walk through life with, those people who we are honest with, those people who we *choose* to invest in, and vice versa.
I've been thinking more and more about this topic over the past month. Something about getting married and having visitors from out of town perhaps. Or realizing that my life truly is in Hawaii now and not in St. Louis... Or maybe just starting my own family and thinking about where to really put down our roots... I dunno.
I grew up with a strong community sense in my own family, as well as a few families that felt more like my own family than just friends. Since moving to Hawaii though, I've struggled to want any sort of community.
If you know me well you know that I am extremely selective in who I truly open up to.
In fact, to be blunt, if I open up to you... then it's a huge compliment ha.
I can talk to, work with, laugh with, hang out with just about anyone in the world, but as far as be vulnerable with, share my deep/difficult thoughts with... there are very few. And the number only seems to decrease with time.
I'm not sure why this is, but it might be some combination of being burnt in the past and being sensitive by nature. That's right, I said "sensitive by nature". Which may not seem to suit me, as I do a good job at putting up a tough exterior most of the time, and I'm often unintentionally insensitive to others... but it is an accurate description all the same.
...............
I realized the other day, in thinking about all of this, that what I get most often hurt by in relationships is when I feel as though I am a burden.
I HATE this feeling.
If I feel like I am a burden to those I care about, for any reason, go ahead and assume that I'm going to shut down, or at least want to do so. Go ahead and assume that I'm going to put myself down or tell myself I messed up long enough to feel accountable for any problem there is, regardless of if I am or not (which sometimes I am;)... just so I can move passed it. Just so that I can still have that relationship.
Because ANY day of the week, I'd rather be mad at myself than mad at people I love. And ANY day of the week, I'd rather be wrong than hurt someone else....
And THAT is what often breaks my spirit.
That is what makes it difficult for me to deal with relationships. That is what makes me overly sensitive to controversy and incredibly fearful of hurting others. That is what makes it difficult to open up and to be myself... because I'm sure that I will upset, offend, let down, annoy, or be a burden to whomever is involved.
I know that some people can't handle real relationships, with the good, bad, and the ugly. And since I'm sure I AM the good, bad, and ugly.... I am confident that I will have to deal with loss of relationship.
... MORE loss of relationship.
And this, my friends... is a fear of mine. A fear that seems to be rooted in past broken relationships and moving to the middle of the pacific ocean, away from all those I loved, where I knew virtually NO ONE.
I'm just tired of loosing relationships, period. And therefore it is a fear.
................
And this fear, it makes me want to avoid building another community now, right where I am. It makes me feel discouraged and frustrated. It makes me want to stay closed off. It makes me scared to be myself and especially hurt whenever I feel rejected.
But I know that I have to move beyond this.
Because relationships... they often hurt and disappoint. They are complex and challenging. They are sometimes frustrating and upsetting. But all the same, God calls us to them.
He calls us to be in relationships.
He calls us to be in community.
He calls us to give of ourselves, even when it hurts.
He calls us to walk through life together, baggage and insecurities and issues and all.
He calls us to act in love, no matter what.
And this, my friends, isn't easy.
But I do believe it is worth it. I do believe that community and people are worth it; brokenness and all.
So I pray that I can fight my own fears with the topic and my own sensitivity towards these things, and trust God with it all. I pray that I can want to open up, to invest in others, and to build a community here... despite my fears and frustrations.
............
That's what's been on my mind this month and showed up in my life countless times recently: the need to build community, the value of relationship, and the need to show grace to myself and others as often as needed.
Because relationships are a blessing, even when it doesn't feel like it. We live and we grow and we hurt from them... but they are still a blessing. And they are still what God calls us to.
God calls us to community, to the giving of ourselves and the investing of others... even in the good, the bad, and the ugly.
So yeah, I pray I can grow in this area and push beyond certain things so to serve the Lord better.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Whatever Circumstance
I'm in a slightly philosophical mood today.
Blame the virus that led to sick kids that led to me having over ten hours today to entertain myself while they watch cartoons...
OR blame the *many* cups of coffee I've consumed over the past few hours in an attempt to not fall asleep on the job.
OR the fact that I'm being "still" and I just don't do this stillness thing well.
... Whatever suits your fancy.
Never-the-less... I have time and thoughts.
...................... (no good transition ideas... deal with it.)
Over the past few weeks I've had the opportunity to catch up with several college friends.
And I've been thinking recently how fascinating it is that all my friends and myself, are WHERE we are, doing WHAT we are doing.
If I could go back five years and talk to all my friends about where we thought we'd be in the fall of 2012, there is NO way any one of us would be right. Maybe a few good guesses here-and-there, but nothing truly accurate. (In fact I think it is safe to say that we'd be incredibly wrong...)
Five years ago we were all COFC girls, living in or around Society Street, going to class, dating boys, working random jobs, laughing a lot, crying some too... etc. etc. etc.
And here we all are; many recently married, many in new cities, many figuring out what is next in life, many learning new things about ourselves and God, many living a life we wouldn't have guessed and trying to figure it out along the way.
Lots of adventures, lots of variety, lots of obstacles, lots of questions... and very little in common with one another any more, other than our love for God and for one another.
In a given day, one of us may be working a twelve hour shift at the hospital, one on a first date, one exploring a new city, one decorating a new apartment, one enjoying her husband home from deployment... and so on.
I suppose my point in saying all this, is that we are all clearly on VERY different paths, going VERY different places... and I find it fascinating.
Why am I nannying in Hawaii while another friend starts nursing school in Charleston??
Such different lives we live, and none of us really certain what lies ahead.
But I can't help but think that there truly is a plan in the madness, and this plan is good. "This plan" is full of ups and downs, different for every one of us, includes times of struggle and times of rest, and a has a billion different details that play out over time.
Praise God for His design for our lives; though not always pleasant... rarely boring:) Praise Him for His promises that sustain us in various seasons. Praise Him for having a path for us, even when we can't see it or don't understand it. Praise Him for loving us in the midst of it all, wherever we are and whatever we might be doing.
With that I'll conclude with a quote from the devotional My Utmost for His Highest:
"... remember that whatever your circumstances may be, you have been placed in them by God. And God uses the reaction of your life to your circumstances to fulfill His purpose, as long as you continue to “walk in the light as He is in the light” (1 John 1:7)."
Blame the virus that led to sick kids that led to me having over ten hours today to entertain myself while they watch cartoons...
OR blame the *many* cups of coffee I've consumed over the past few hours in an attempt to not fall asleep on the job.
OR the fact that I'm being "still" and I just don't do this stillness thing well.
... Whatever suits your fancy.
Never-the-less... I have time and thoughts.
...................... (no good transition ideas... deal with it.)
Over the past few weeks I've had the opportunity to catch up with several college friends.
And I've been thinking recently how fascinating it is that all my friends and myself, are WHERE we are, doing WHAT we are doing.
If I could go back five years and talk to all my friends about where we thought we'd be in the fall of 2012, there is NO way any one of us would be right. Maybe a few good guesses here-and-there, but nothing truly accurate. (In fact I think it is safe to say that we'd be incredibly wrong...)
Five years ago we were all COFC girls, living in or around Society Street, going to class, dating boys, working random jobs, laughing a lot, crying some too... etc. etc. etc.
And here we all are; many recently married, many in new cities, many figuring out what is next in life, many learning new things about ourselves and God, many living a life we wouldn't have guessed and trying to figure it out along the way.
Lots of adventures, lots of variety, lots of obstacles, lots of questions... and very little in common with one another any more, other than our love for God and for one another.
In a given day, one of us may be working a twelve hour shift at the hospital, one on a first date, one exploring a new city, one decorating a new apartment, one enjoying her husband home from deployment... and so on.
I suppose my point in saying all this, is that we are all clearly on VERY different paths, going VERY different places... and I find it fascinating.
Why am I nannying in Hawaii while another friend starts nursing school in Charleston??
Such different lives we live, and none of us really certain what lies ahead.
But I can't help but think that there truly is a plan in the madness, and this plan is good. "This plan" is full of ups and downs, different for every one of us, includes times of struggle and times of rest, and a has a billion different details that play out over time.
Praise God for His design for our lives; though not always pleasant... rarely boring:) Praise Him for His promises that sustain us in various seasons. Praise Him for having a path for us, even when we can't see it or don't understand it. Praise Him for loving us in the midst of it all, wherever we are and whatever we might be doing.
With that I'll conclude with a quote from the devotional My Utmost for His Highest:
"... remember that whatever your circumstances may be, you have been placed in them by God. And God uses the reaction of your life to your circumstances to fulfill His purpose, as long as you continue to “walk in the light as He is in the light” (1 John 1:7)."
Thursday, August 23, 2012
New Roommate
Discounting our honeymoon and the several days of chaos whilst trying to fit all of our stuff PLUS wedding gifts into my itty bitty apartment... Richard and I have been living our "regular" married lives for a little less than a week.
I'm pretty much an expert on marriage already...
Ha. Ha. Ha.
So far from it. Not that I should be of course...
It's been a fun week, to say the least, but certainly a week of adjusting and figuring out how to live together, etc.
News Flash: in my twenty-six years of life I have never, never, NEVER shared a room... with anyone.
How is this possible??? And how in the world did I not notice this fact until now??!!
No clue.
Growing up we did have two rooms for the "kids". I'm the only girl, so that was a free pass to my own room birth through high school.
In college I found a roommate quickly who also liked her own space, and we were blessed enough to have our own rooms all four years of college, (though the last two years she did in fact live in a closet made into a room... no joke).
Then I moved back home, to the good ol' kirkwood room... and lastly to Hawaii where Richard was sweet enough to help me pay for rent so I didn't have to move in with a total stranger. I'd consider this God's grace given the difficulty I seemed to have had transitioning:)
All that to say: my new roommate is very NEW.
And now I'm learning things such as...
- I talk in my sleep like a crazy person. I knew I talked, I did not know just how ridiculous I sound though. And my new husband finds this entertaining and tries to get me to keep talking while totally out-of-it. He's a punk.
- Richard can't get by on just cliff bars, peanut butter, hummus and yogurt like some of us.
- It is FAR too hot to sleep next to a large asian man on a tropical island without using an air conditioning unit.
- Dishes and laundry never go away.
and...
- Our circadian rhythms, moods, and schedules will not perfectly align every day. Damn.
........
Oh the fun of starting our new lives together ha! Lots and lots and lots of laughing.
I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I couldn't find a better new husband if I tried. Such a patient and fun man that Richard Thompson is. Suuuuure do love him:)
I'm pretty much an expert on marriage already...
Ha. Ha. Ha.
So far from it. Not that I should be of course...
It's been a fun week, to say the least, but certainly a week of adjusting and figuring out how to live together, etc.
News Flash: in my twenty-six years of life I have never, never, NEVER shared a room... with anyone.
How is this possible??? And how in the world did I not notice this fact until now??!!
No clue.
Growing up we did have two rooms for the "kids". I'm the only girl, so that was a free pass to my own room birth through high school.
In college I found a roommate quickly who also liked her own space, and we were blessed enough to have our own rooms all four years of college, (though the last two years she did in fact live in a closet made into a room... no joke).
Then I moved back home, to the good ol' kirkwood room... and lastly to Hawaii where Richard was sweet enough to help me pay for rent so I didn't have to move in with a total stranger. I'd consider this God's grace given the difficulty I seemed to have had transitioning:)
All that to say: my new roommate is very NEW.
And now I'm learning things such as...
- I talk in my sleep like a crazy person. I knew I talked, I did not know just how ridiculous I sound though. And my new husband finds this entertaining and tries to get me to keep talking while totally out-of-it. He's a punk.
- Richard can't get by on just cliff bars, peanut butter, hummus and yogurt like some of us.
- It is FAR too hot to sleep next to a large asian man on a tropical island without using an air conditioning unit.
- Dishes and laundry never go away.
and...
- Our circadian rhythms, moods, and schedules will not perfectly align every day. Damn.
........
Oh the fun of starting our new lives together ha! Lots and lots and lots of laughing.
I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I couldn't find a better new husband if I tried. Such a patient and fun man that Richard Thompson is. Suuuuure do love him:)
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I Do! (now know...)
The last time I blogged was May. The last time I remember having time to sit down with, energy to spare, was May.
Oh the season of wedding planning... I have so many words for you. Some very sweet and memorable, and some not-so-much.
In an effort not to live entirely in the past, I'll wrap up all my wedding thoughts in this one post.
Things I learned during the wedding process, "I Do! (now know...):
- It feels like everything matters more than it does. Except that there are some things that actually matter FAR more than you feel they do... good luck differentiating the two if you've never planned a wedding.
- Choose bridesmaids who know you well enough to be encouraging during this time. Not only know when you need encouragement, but know how you need it as well. Such a gift!
- Make sure your all bridemaids put on their own dresses... just in case there is a faulty zipper and you have a girl get stuck in the wrong size dress an hour before the ceremony.
- Laugh. A lot. I probably laughed too much and at all the wrong moments, but at least I remember laughing throughout the day:)
- Choose a venue with good parking options.
- Don't take Tylenol PM after rehearsal dinner if it's later than 10 PM. Doesn't help you wake up for the bridal luncheon the next day...
- Be patient with family. Its a big day for all of them too.
- Thank people who help. Thank them often and throughout the process.
- Marry a man who has a selfless and strong personality. Makes everything so much more enjoyable.
- It IS worth it to put your bridesmaids in crazy bright high heels...
- Don't plan an early afternoon outdoor wedding if you live in a warm place. Even if the venue is on the side of a mountain where you regularly have a wonderful breeze... might be a billion degrees come wedding time.
- Along with that, plan for rain.
- Take time to miss those who couldn't make it. Even if it's just a thought or two about them... slow down to miss them for a second.
- Enjoy it! It does go by so very fast:)
Wedding post, check.
:)
In all seriousness, the experience was wonderful. It didn't all go perfectly, but I have some incredible memories and a new husband who I adore.
Praise God for good friends and family, who are helpful, loving, and SO MUCH FUN. Praise Him for safety, health, and giving everyone a sense-of-humor to go along with an event such as this:)
Oh the season of wedding planning... I have so many words for you. Some very sweet and memorable, and some not-so-much.
In an effort not to live entirely in the past, I'll wrap up all my wedding thoughts in this one post.
Things I learned during the wedding process, "I Do! (now know...):
- It feels like everything matters more than it does. Except that there are some things that actually matter FAR more than you feel they do... good luck differentiating the two if you've never planned a wedding.
- Choose bridesmaids who know you well enough to be encouraging during this time. Not only know when you need encouragement, but know how you need it as well. Such a gift!
- Make sure your all bridemaids put on their own dresses... just in case there is a faulty zipper and you have a girl get stuck in the wrong size dress an hour before the ceremony.
- Laugh. A lot. I probably laughed too much and at all the wrong moments, but at least I remember laughing throughout the day:)
- Choose a venue with good parking options.
- Don't take Tylenol PM after rehearsal dinner if it's later than 10 PM. Doesn't help you wake up for the bridal luncheon the next day...
- Be patient with family. Its a big day for all of them too.
- Thank people who help. Thank them often and throughout the process.
- Marry a man who has a selfless and strong personality. Makes everything so much more enjoyable.
- It IS worth it to put your bridesmaids in crazy bright high heels...
- Don't plan an early afternoon outdoor wedding if you live in a warm place. Even if the venue is on the side of a mountain where you regularly have a wonderful breeze... might be a billion degrees come wedding time.
- Along with that, plan for rain.
- Take time to miss those who couldn't make it. Even if it's just a thought or two about them... slow down to miss them for a second.
- Enjoy it! It does go by so very fast:)
Wedding post, check.
:)
In all seriousness, the experience was wonderful. It didn't all go perfectly, but I have some incredible memories and a new husband who I adore.
Praise God for good friends and family, who are helpful, loving, and SO MUCH FUN. Praise Him for safety, health, and giving everyone a sense-of-humor to go along with an event such as this:)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Not. Even. Close.
Richard says "it's been a month" since I've posted. Sheesh... fine. Post I shall.
Engagement time is happening.
It's everything everyone says it is, and tells you it is. It's a lot to do, a lot of emotions, a lot of changes, a lot to plan, a lot to think about, and yada yada YADA freakin dooo.
I love planning my wedding most days. But I like doing it my way (shocker, I know).
I don't need things to be perfect, I don't need it all to look or seem some way, and I don't need to spend my engagement worried about it all... that's for sure.
Get it done.
Have some fun.
That's about it.
My problem is that decisions still need to be made. My cake won't magically appear if I don't order it, (how cool would that be though???).
So despite the fact that I think many of these miniscule details are more time consuming than they should be, ignoring them doesn't get me anywhere.
So plan I shall, as I have and will continue to do.
But if you really want to know what I think.... what I truly want is to have a pretty dress, my friends around, and Richard standing at the end of the isle. That's about it.
Let's just say in the midst of all the "details", I'm continuously reminded of what I really care about, and what I believe is really important... and it isn't catering, flowers, or decorations.
It's people.
It's the people I have grown to love here in Hawaii.
It's all those I've gone through a million different phases of life with.
It's my friends who make me feel confident, valued, and dearly loved.
It's my soon to be additional family members who have cared so well for me in the last two years.
It's Richard.
That's what matters to me.
The rest are details. Some fun, some not so fun... but only details.
And I can't express enough... the details don't come close to the gift of seeing people who live far away, celebrating with all those who have supported me and Richard, and becoming Mrs. Thompson.
Not. Even. Close.
Engagement time is happening.
It's everything everyone says it is, and tells you it is. It's a lot to do, a lot of emotions, a lot of changes, a lot to plan, a lot to think about, and yada yada YADA freakin dooo.
I love planning my wedding most days. But I like doing it my way (shocker, I know).
I don't need things to be perfect, I don't need it all to look or seem some way, and I don't need to spend my engagement worried about it all... that's for sure.
Get it done.
Have some fun.
That's about it.
My problem is that decisions still need to be made. My cake won't magically appear if I don't order it, (how cool would that be though???).
So despite the fact that I think many of these miniscule details are more time consuming than they should be, ignoring them doesn't get me anywhere.
So plan I shall, as I have and will continue to do.
But if you really want to know what I think.... what I truly want is to have a pretty dress, my friends around, and Richard standing at the end of the isle. That's about it.
Let's just say in the midst of all the "details", I'm continuously reminded of what I really care about, and what I believe is really important... and it isn't catering, flowers, or decorations.
It's people.
It's the people I have grown to love here in Hawaii.
It's all those I've gone through a million different phases of life with.
It's my friends who make me feel confident, valued, and dearly loved.
It's my soon to be additional family members who have cared so well for me in the last two years.
It's Richard.
That's what matters to me.
The rest are details. Some fun, some not so fun... but only details.
And I can't express enough... the details don't come close to the gift of seeing people who live far away, celebrating with all those who have supported me and Richard, and becoming Mrs. Thompson.
Not. Even. Close.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Results...
Being engaged results in...
- Excitement that truly is exhausting (in a good way of course, by tiring all the same!).
- A new perspective on what life is going to look like in a few months, (not that I'm cookbook shopping or anything... get real).
- P90X sounding like a good idea. Mind you, I haven't been able to move for the past 48 hours, and I'm only on day 3.... but somehow still seems worthwhile.
- So. Much. To. Do. As it turns out, getting married isn't just about planning a wedding, it's also about setting up for a change in life and all that goes with that. Topics like insurance/apartments/jobs/etc. seem to just pile up.
- A new appreciation for the quiet times to just be together and laugh and waste time.... :)
That is all.
- Excitement that truly is exhausting (in a good way of course, by tiring all the same!).
- A new perspective on what life is going to look like in a few months, (not that I'm cookbook shopping or anything... get real).
- P90X sounding like a good idea. Mind you, I haven't been able to move for the past 48 hours, and I'm only on day 3.... but somehow still seems worthwhile.
- So. Much. To. Do. As it turns out, getting married isn't just about planning a wedding, it's also about setting up for a change in life and all that goes with that. Topics like insurance/apartments/jobs/etc. seem to just pile up.
- A new appreciation for the quiet times to just be together and laugh and waste time.... :)
That is all.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A Moment to Rest...
What a month this past one has been...
Engagement, birthday, visit from my mom, new niece born, Richard's grandmother passing away :(, many dinners with friends, babysitting/cleaning,visit from my dad, and attempting to throw in some fairly efficient wedding planning in the mix.
Conclusion: life truly does happen in seasons, and this past month has had several seasons thrown together at once.
My father headed back to St. Louis last night. And with that, it seems as though I've hit a small break in all the wonderful madness (though I'd much rather he stayed longer:).
And let the record show, as soon as I sat still for a moment, ALL of the past month seemed to come at me full swing.
Out came some tears, jokes, a billion random thoughts I must have been storing somewhere, concerns, laughter, frustrations, etc. etc. etc. (Yes, there is a reason God often calls women to be still and quiet ; ).
One of these days I'll learn to process things while going through them, not after/all at once. One can only hope...
With that said, thank you God for creating rest, for without it I have no doubt I'd stay in this crazy ass mode all the time.
......
This month has been eye-opening, to say the least.
It's hard to swallow how much I've complained to God about being far from or loosing people in past, when really I should have just been praising Him for blessing me with these relationships to start with.
Life happens in seasons, and God provides for each one accordingly so that we may grow closer to Him.
His provision may be far from our understanding, but it is superior to anything else, constant, and intentionally designed by the One who loves us most.
And that, is something to keep in the forefront of our minds regardless of which season we are residing in at the moment.
Easier said than done, but it's been an excellent reminder/challenge these past few weeks.
That's the update.
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