"Blessings"

I have shared lots of the exciting moments in my journey here in Hawaii so far, but I have held back on writing about some of the more frustrating and confusing moments.  I love this blog and I love sharing through it, but it has been incomplete and so I'm going to attempt to be a little more real (not with every post obviously.. nobody likes the downer chick). 

I'm not good at sharing the hard stuff, so I'm just going to start with a little glimpse. 

It's hard to move to new places and it's difficult to start all over. Some people have a few changes over time. I, however, like to jump all in and drown myself for awhile until I learn to swim. I've always been this way and I probably always will be this way. My friends have commented that I tend to do things "the hard way" (which I'm sure is painful to watch at times:); I can't really disagree with that assessment and Hawaii was no exception. 

When I got on a plane last August I was jumping semi-blindly... backed only by my love for Richard, advice given by a few I trust, and my own conversations with God. That's it. 

Hear me say loud-and-clear that I know people go through WAY harder things than this. In the spectrum of struggles and hardships, this barely even makes it. But for me, it has been a challenge. I am a creature of habit, and it takes time to form habits in new places. I'm ADD, and therefore simply remembering the basic things like where stores are located and what I need to do at certain times during the day take effort. I'm not an idiot, but my memory is crap. All that to say, when I'm in a place that is familiar, I am much more at ease than if it is new and unfamiliar. 

And of course I moved to be with a guy that I'm still "only dating". I received a good deal of criticism about this from a lot of people. While I don't agree with how many responded to me, I do understand why there was concern. Frankly, it's a big-ass risk to take with my heart and life. A risk that requires everything I have and could very very very easily blow up in my face. 

I was aware of this and took the risk all the same. To be honest, I felt very strongly that this was (and is) where the Lord was leading me, and so I went.  I knew what it could cost because I'd left and lost in the past... and God had provided then, and would provide when I needed Him. 

But can I just say, nobody could have prepared me for this. Nobody could have prepared me for the ups and downs of turning my whole life around, for the amount of pressure I would feel to make it all work, and for the amount of emotion I would experience along the way. Nobody. 

Richard has been an amazing gift through this time; patient, kind, and attentive to me. Some people see his place in all this as a breeze, but it is anything but that. He, like myself, has had to turn his life around and feel pressure to make it all work out. It is a lot, and continues to push us both and our relationship beyond what we would have expected. 

Through this time I have questioned just about everything, been frustrated far more than I'd ever admit, and learned more about myself, Richard, and God than I would have thought possible. It's turned me upside-down and inside-out, and although I hate to admit it, I am thankful for every step of the way. 

I have doubted everything here. I have felt the loss or potential loss of everything I care about since I arrived and it has seriously kicked my ass, (and continues to kick my ass):). 

But no matter what; no matter what was going wrong, confusing me, disappointing me, frustrating me... no matter WHAT... God and His comfort has remained my resting place. A resting place that far surpasses any family member, place, boyfriend, job, or comfort. His presence and His love have carried me the whole way. I never doubted they would, but experiencing that firsthand has taught me just how precious that gift is. And I'm thankful and humbled by it all the time. 

I recently downloaded a song during a rough day I was having, and I found the lyrics to be very encouraging:) 

This song was written by an artist named Laura Story. I researched her and learned that her husband has a tumor and her "story" is pretty incredible. While I would not even BEGIN to compare her pain to my experience, I find her words to be applicable and comforting. Below is a quote and the lyrics to the song. Check it out on ITunes when you get a chance. 

"What does it look like when I spend years praying for healing for my husband that never comes? I feel like we’ve gotten to a place of having to make a choice- are we going to judge God based on our circumstances that we don’t understand? Or are we going to chose to judge our circumstances based on what we hold to be true of God? I’m learning that every morning when I wake up, to choose to trust God. And that’s what “blessings” is about. It’s just considering… MAYBE THE BLESSING IS ACTUALLY FOUND IN THE ABSENCE OF THE THING THAT I’M PRAYING FOR."

-Laura Story

LAURA STORY - "BLESSINGS" LYRICS

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise