Faithful

For my friend Hannah Beth--a girl whose heart for the Lord is one of a kind, who I grew to love so quickly, and who I have missed every day since she moved away,

As you go through the pain of healing from your surgery and any other hurts on your heart, remember that you are dearly dearly loved; by me, and far more by your God.

Remember that God is holding you in His hands even when it doesn't feel like it; especially when it doesn't feel like it.

Remember that you are His wherever you are and whatever you are doing.

Remember that in your weakness you can rest in His strength.

Remember that He will get you through this and that you will be better for it.

........

These lyrics have brought me comfort on some tough days, and I pray that they will encourage you to stay strong as you get through this painful time.

Love you friend,

"Faithful"
By: Brooke Fraser 
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want 

Scratch that idea...

My last post was about sleeping more, doing less, and finding more balance.

I haven't even come close the past few days. Crap.

And no, I'm no more sane or energetic than I was a few days ago. Sleep will do the trick, I know!

I tried!! I swear. But like I said, I haven't been this busy with good things and enjoying it in a long time... so I'm gonna go with it. I mean there was going to the beach with friends, watching Harry Potter with Richard (or falling asleep while he watched it:), dinner with friends, errands to run, things to clean... yada yada yada.

I haven't even gotten in my workouts that are generally my top priority, (CRAZY, I know).

So new plan: scratch that idea till I get back from my trip in a few weeks. Too much to do, too fun to pass up on... just going to embrace it.

I will resume balance goal at a later date. This is called accepting momentary defeat... something I don't do... ever... so I'll consider it a sign of maturity:)

Balance

Okay so lately I feel like I'm in chronic vacation mode. Which would be cool, except that the vacation mode is also combined with real life things like running errands, working, and actually sleeping on occasion.

Or at least it should be that way.

The tricky part is allowing oneself to enjoy this place without getting so completely worn out by keeping an unrealistic schedule. Up until the last few weeks, I have been able to do this because honestly, I didn't care all that much about doing anything in particular. 

I don't have that much actual responsibility. So don't hear me complaining about being overloaded on that front. But I do have some, and also recently increased passions for being active, doing fun things, and staying up late far too often. (Rough life, I know). 

Now I just must throw this out there... I technically had a degree which included a "health promotion" concentration. Yes, they do in fact let people study something like that in school. I loved studying it, and I actually think it provided me some amazing tools for life (though perhaps not as many for income:). The basic focus of my studies was how to help people take care of themselves despite challenges from whatever lifestyle they are living. Nope, not rocket science people. I'm supposed to (and like to think I am) a pro at knowing how to be creative and make goals in order to be and stay healthy. 

Confession: sometimes I'm a slacker. Right now, I'm a slacker. Not by any astronomical means... but by my own standards. I don't try to reach perfection in my habits (I'm actually against that idea), but I do hold some high standards for myself. Why? Because I know how to do it, I know the consequences of not doing it, and I really do enjoy when my schedule and lifestyle is contributing to my health. 

It's like a dentist not taking care of his or her teeth. It sorta makes me nuts when I'm not doing the things I learned, or at least attempting it. 

Who cares about all this??

Probably just me. But with the trips this summer, the visitors in town, the even warmer weather, the change of my work schedule, the still trying to pursue a fun dating life and grow in our relationship, the getting to know more girls, the planning for my next trip (in only a week mind you), the entertaining three kids several hours a day, the trying to keep up with a bunch of boys all the time... Well, it's gotten me fairly exhausted.

So slow down, right? Stop complaining and do less and get more sleep, right? Ultimately yes, but not as easy as it sounds. 

Here is why it is a challenge: This is the first time in almost two years that I have had an actual desire to have enough going on in my life to keep me occupied.

So despite being exhausted... this is a good sign. Because for a good portion of my post-college life and living here I had lost a lot of my desire and motivation for life. With the transitioning from school and then to here, I just sort of shut down and tried to get by with it all. 

Richard and I were discussing the other night how I take great comfort in relationships with people I am close to, but that I can be fairly uncomfortable around those I don't know that well. And it's true. Leaving college friends and then my family has, to some degree, kind of broken my heart. Such is life--but true all the same. 

So now, as I realize at some point in the last few weeks I started doing TOO much because I actually WANT TO do what I'm doing... I'm pretty excited. About freaking time, frankly. 

But this brings me back to issue #1... I need to slow down, to rest more, and to take more time to be still. Because it's amazing to have a new excitement for life and all, but as with all things, I need to find some balance. Balance so that I don't go nuts. 

Balance that IS starting this week... mark my words. Though I can be a slacker, if I come to terms with a bad habit forming I try to kill it fast. So more sleep it is! 

A Sweet Reminder :)

Every once in awhile, when I can get a break from my over-thinking self and just stop for a minute and look around... I realize just how much I love this place in all its' beauty. 

If I'm not focused on myself or a task or some issue I'm determined to solve, and I just take a glance at this place that's (slowly) becoming my home, I'm quickly humbled by how incredible the scenery around me is. 

When I first arrived in Hawaii my friend Sarah asked me what I was most thankful for when it came to my new residence, (apart from Richard that is:). My response is the same today as it was 11 months ago... I'm so thankful to live in a place that will not allow me to miss God's glory. 

Sounds silly, right? It's just a wave or a mountain or a sunset, after all.

But for me, a girl who is so easily distracted and often won't stop moving, a girl who grew up around ministry and all that entails--it is a blessing to live in a place that is SO beautiful that I simply cannot go that long without stopping in awe of what is around me. 

This is nothing short of a great gift. No matter how absorbed I am in my own agenda (and let me tell you, it's often WAY too much), Hawaii puts me back in my place. 

This place is my very sweet reminder that I serve an incredible God. A God that is so attentive to detail and vast in nature. A God that cares about little things just as much as big things. A God that is creative in more ways than I can imagine. A God who knows all, sees all, and has a plan for all. 

A God that I know. A God that loves me. 

When I look around the beautiful place where I live, all the little things that get to me too often fall away from my mind, and I stop, just for a moment, and realize that I am "home" because I am loved and cared for by the same God that formed everything around me. 

This is not a God who is lost on the details. This is not a God who forgets. This is not a God who is inattentive. 

This is MY God. A God who should be trusted, respected, loved, adored, and glorified. 

When I look around I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I'm loved by this God, and everything else falls back where it should be....  just small details of life. 

Details that hold some weight, but not nearly as much weight as I give them. 

Just "details", because when you are loved by a God like this, nothing else really matters. 

:) 

I Am Free.

Okay, so if you read my post from yesterday in which I proceeded to rant about nothing and sound like the very fallen person I am, then I'd like to follow up with my thoughts from today.

I tried out my theory and let myself be upset and frustrated and whatever else (rather than trying to fight it or feel bad about it). Turns out it actually is a great idea, and sadly one I've never really really approached before.

Why was it good?

Well because I learned that all my frustrations are valid and that my fears and thoughts and feelings are completely accurate to who I am and the life I live!!

Not.

Not even kind of actually.

But it was a good idea because it allowed me the freedom to not be perfect and to cut myself enough slack to see myself as I really am--a mess for stupid reasons.

Feel like I'm going in circles here?

That's fair. I kind of am.

But here is what I'm learning... I can't control the way I feel or my insecurities or areas where I lack maturity or perspective. I may know that I'm being ridiculous, but if I try and talk myself out of my weaknesses, I just end up accentuating them.

Frankly, I get very frustrated because most of the time I know better than how I feel... and this is incredibly annoying.

For example, I know that when my feelings are hurt by someone, more times than not, it wasn't intentional. I know that as fact because I have been well loved and treated pretty well in my 25 years of life.

Yet the side of me that is sensitive and empathetic by nature (and irrational at times), still reacts to what's happening, whether harm is intended or not. In-other-words, I still feel the hurt.

My reaction to having feelings that I don't think resemble truth is to experience guilt because I "know better". I know that the person loves me, I can understand why the person acted that way, and I know that it wasn't meant to hurt... so it shouldn't right? And if it does, then I'm at fault and should feel guilt or shame.

Wrong. This is where I "shoot myself in the foot" all the time.

If I feel hurt, rational or not, I have to let myself feel it, period. (Note that I said "feel" and not "dwell").

Should I act off of it? Very rarely. Is it probably unnecessary to feel that way? Most likely. But if I try to reason or guilt my way out of my feelings, than I just end up storing it up for another time and FAR more frustrated with myself and the situation than I should be.

So what happened after I just let myself be upset or whatever yesterday?

I got it out.

I let the emotions (ridiculous as they were!!) run their course, I shared them with Richard and a friend, I felt relief and comfort, and I let them go.

Did you hear that part?? I LET THEM GO.

Shocking, I know. But letting the emotions go is amazing because it gives you the ability to think more wisely and relax much easier instead of just being weighed down.

Ladies and gentlemen there is hope after all:)

This is what I think the Lord may be teaching me right now: I feel a lot. All the time. I can do my best to make wise decisions and surround myself with encouraging people so to minimize unnecessary hard emotions, but at the end of the day I'm going to feel a lot... and that's just the way I am. I cannot control my emotions, but they don't have to control me (think I probably subconsciously stole that line from some cheesy book at some point...).

The problem, is my approach to feelings... trying not to have them and feeling guilty along the way. It actually just makes them all a bigger deal than they need to be.

So my next theory...

If I can just trust God enough to be broken and have the feelings I do, then all the effort I put into being something else or better or having it all together or understanding them might not make these emotions carry SO much weight in my life.

I might even get the silly ones out faster and move on quicker.

I might be able to recognize and act in wisdom when the emotions I have are a blessing.

I might have thicker skin and not be so sensitive to those in my life.

I might experience freedom in life and relationships.

I might be able to give more freely without feeling the need to stay guarded.

I might think of others before I think of myself.

I might learn that perhaps God created me the way He did to use me in a certain capacity that I don't yet understand.

I might let go of little things and just be in the present with greater ease.

And I might... just maybe, find my sense of joy in simply being me and loved by God.

...............

But I think the guilt/shame have to go first. People hear the words guilt and shame and they think someone is either in the wrong, has been wronged, or is feeling that way unnecessarily.

Well I'm all of the above.

Frankly, I am fallen and live in a fallen world, and often my emotions are rooted in sinful and selfish desires, are reactions to someone else's sin, or are simply irrational.

But regardless of the cause of this guilt/shame I carry, I also serve a God who forgives, is far greater than I, covers all that I do, provides for me so that I don't rely on others, and therefore I am not bound by these things.

I am not bound by my mistakes, by my weaknesses, or by my sin.

I am not bound my my circumstances, by other people's actions, or anything else.

I am free.

............

This truth has been present since the day I asked God to be the Lord of my life, but to really allow it to shape me and change me, I have to believe it and need it enough to ask for God's help--to surrender my life to Him in a new light.

I'm not positive, but I think it's possible that me getting to this place in which I feel broken by this issue, I perhaps needed to be in the middle of the ocean, away from my comforts, uncomfortable in my surroundings, and completely clueless about where my life is going and what's next.

In short, perhaps I needed to be overwhelmed enough that I couldn't shut my emotions off, find a short-term outlet, or talk myself out of them.

Perhaps Hawaii is EXACTLY what God intended for me.

Funny how I thought I moved here just for a relationship with a guy and, God continues to do SO much more than I could have imagined.

All to His glory.

That's what I learned from having my bad day ; )

My "freedom pose"... okay not really (I'm not that nerdy). But I was looking over a HUGE cliff here that you can't even see. Was sorta cool and calming like my thoughts about all this:) 

Everyone deserves a "bad day"...

Today was crappy. Bottom line.

I woke up in a bad mood, tried to walk it off (for 8 miles... didn't work), felt a mess the whole time, and then watched kids who felt like this was the PERFECT day to be especially difficult.

The only highlight was catching up with people I love via the phone while I walked. That I can appreciate.

Oh and getting some fresh avocado from the maintenance guy at my apartment building this morning. Incredible.

Other than that I could have easily passed on the rest of it.

Why such a mess today??

Who knows. Lack of sleep, hormones, missing my family, feeling insecure about my job, worrying about making enough money to take two weeks off at the end of the month, frustrations with dating life, not taking time to rest over the past month (fyi... "resting" doesn't just mean not working. Sometimes I think working more would actually help me sit still and be less worn out.... just saying), communication issues with Richard (what?? he should be able to read my mind and meet my every need at all times... that's not unreasonable!! :), not running (I've been slacking this month and I can tell I need my outlet back... probably the biggest issue sadly), etc. etc. etc.

Stupid things, really stupid, that build up and when combined result in one really, REALLY bad day.

Perhaps I have infant-like syndrome where I actually try to do more when I get slightly tired (like I'm trying to keep myself awake by being MORE active because I hate feeling tired), and then I hit a wall and crash.

Well people, today I hit that wall and am crashing.

Like an infant, this stage also involves me being unable to hide any emotion (something I'm normally bad at but worse in these cases), incredibly irrational, easily upset, and unable to remember ANYTHING or form complete sentences (like a worse version of ADD... fun). Side note: if you think I just described my regular personality, tell me a different day please;).

Oh and feisty. Very feisty. Not like, "oh that lady that just stole my parking spot is bothering me" kind of feisty, but like the "I might accidentally bump her with my car once she tries to cross the street" kind. (Okay, okay... I'd never actually do that... reeeeeelax).

Unfortunately I'm no longer two-years-old so this mood/reaction/attitude is not acceptable or slightly cute... just irritating.

Which brings me to my next bad habit: I tend to be hard on myself all the time. So on these types of days when I'm aware of how I'm acting (like a brat, in case you missed that), and when it annoys me but I seem unable to snap out of it, then I just get more frustrated.

No, sadly I'm not being dramatic. I really am this big of a spaz.

A better solution would probably be to just let myself have a bad day instead of rationalizing it or trying to fix it or understand it. Just to be a mess and not care. I'm always impressed with people who do this gracefully. Not for long stretches of time... (those people need to be slapped), but for a day every now-and-again.

My theory is that maybe, just maybe, if I can learn to let myself have a bad day every now-and-again, to let the things that bother me bother me, and the frustrations to frustrate me, than maybe these negative emotions won't build up as fast or at least worsen as the day goes on. Not to dwell in that state, but just feel how I do with freedom to do so for a few hours. Be ticked off or upset or whatever... but just be that way and not trying to fight it or be better. (Shout out to Court... ).

Because truthfully, I'm not any better than that. I am a spaz, overly emotional, and a very sensitive person who probably needs some thicker skin, (workin on it!!:). However what I also am is blessed to have friends and family who love me through it, blessed to have a boyfriend who is steady as a rock, blessed to serve a God who let's me chat to Him all day everyday, and blessed to have so many good days, that the bad ones stick out so much. I am blessed. I know this and I am thankful. And I think that if I let myself be a mess sometimes, I would perhaps not care so much. And that would be good... a relief really:)

.... those are my random thoughts. Today was rough for absolutely no real good reason at all, but who cares. Tomorrow will be better:)

Wedding Highlights...

So I know everyone loves the beautiful and sentimental shots from a wedding... myself included, but I already posted a ton of these and so I figured I would share what I think are the real "highlights" of the occasion. These would be moments that made me smile because they are what makes my (growing) family, my family. When I say "family" I am included our dearest friends as well... without whom my actual family might never get through exciting and crazy events such as this:)

Nate trying to figure out what he "should" be saying or doing (jk... I don't really know, I wasn't sitting close enough to hear:) 

The hour I got to steal my new sister away... which I secretly wanted to do the entire trip. 

Gathering the family together to figure out last minute plans (what?? we need centerpieces??)...  

Matt's reaction to me making fun of him at the rehearsal dinner. 

Just a quick lunch with my mom and grandma.. :) 

My reaction to being asked to take too many pictures. 

Lael's odd infatuation with the hired musician.. lol. 

Chuck giving one of his good hugs. 

No caption really needed.  

Dad getting shut down. 

Rehearsal dinner speech... on the verge of tears. 

Mom finding time for a garage sale on the wedding day... 

Lael's ever-so-aggressive flower removal process lasting throughout the ceremony. 

The "quality time" Jordan and spent together driving to Chicago.

Grandma trying on sunglasses on the way to the airport. 

That was the wedding through my eyes... or at least the random/stupid little moments that I loved. 

On a more sincere note... it was an incredible wedding. I'm very proud of Nate for the man he has become, for his choice to pursue and love Liz and Lael well, for his growing sensitivity, and for the very strong character he displays through all of the above. 

I also feel honored to have a new sister who seems to be such a beautiful and strong woman, mom, and now wife. She continues to impress me with her love for Nate, joyful spirit, and fun personality. I only wish I lived closer to have more time with her:) 

Congrats again to Nate and Liz!

Finally, I must just say... thank you to my God who continuously provides, protects, and prepares my family for the life He gives us. To say I left the wedding overwhelmed with thankfulness would be an understatement. In good times (such as this:), and in bad... He always shows up with His glory and His plans, which FAR surpass anything I could have constructed myself. This wedding was just another example of how blessed we are to be loved by Him.