I woke up in a bad mood, tried to walk it off (for 8 miles... didn't work), felt a mess the whole time, and then watched kids who felt like this was the PERFECT day to be especially difficult.
The only highlight was catching up with people I love via the phone while I walked. That I can appreciate.
Oh and getting some fresh avocado from the maintenance guy at my apartment building this morning. Incredible.
Other than that I could have easily passed on the rest of it.
Why such a mess today??
Who knows. Lack of sleep, hormones, missing my family, feeling insecure about my job, worrying about making enough money to take two weeks off at the end of the month, frustrations with dating life, not taking time to rest over the past month (fyi... "resting" doesn't just mean not working. Sometimes I think working more would actually help me sit still and be less worn out.... just saying), communication issues with Richard (what?? he should be able to read my mind and meet my every need at all times... that's not unreasonable!! :), not running (I've been slacking this month and I can tell I need my outlet back... probably the biggest issue sadly), etc. etc. etc.
Stupid things, really stupid, that build up and when combined result in one really, REALLY bad day.
Perhaps I have infant-like syndrome where I actually try to do more when I get slightly tired (like I'm trying to keep myself awake by being MORE active because I hate feeling tired), and then I hit a wall and crash.
Well people, today I hit that wall and am crashing.
Like an infant, this stage also involves me being unable to hide any emotion (something I'm normally bad at but worse in these cases), incredibly irrational, easily upset, and unable to remember ANYTHING or form complete sentences (like a worse version of ADD... fun). Side note: if you think I just described my regular personality, tell me a different day please;).
Oh and feisty. Very feisty. Not like, "oh that lady that just stole my parking spot is bothering me" kind of feisty, but like the "I might accidentally bump her with my car once she tries to cross the street" kind. (Okay, okay... I'd never actually do that... reeeeeelax).
Unfortunately I'm no longer two-years-old so this mood/reaction/attitude is not acceptable or slightly cute... just irritating.
Which brings me to my next bad habit: I tend to be hard on myself all the time. So on these types of days when I'm aware of how I'm acting (like a brat, in case you missed that), and when it annoys me but I seem unable to snap out of it, then I just get more frustrated.
No, sadly I'm not being dramatic. I really am this big of a spaz.
A better solution would probably be to just let myself have a bad day instead of rationalizing it or trying to fix it or understand it. Just to be a mess and not care. I'm always impressed with people who do this gracefully. Not for long stretches of time... (those people need to be slapped), but for a day every now-and-again.
My theory is that maybe, just maybe, if I can learn to let myself have a bad day every now-and-again, to let the things that bother me bother me, and the frustrations to frustrate me, than maybe these negative emotions won't build up as fast or at least worsen as the day goes on. Not to dwell in that state, but just feel how I do with freedom to do so for a few hours. Be ticked off or upset or whatever... but just be that way and not trying to fight it or be better. (Shout out to Court... ).
Because truthfully, I'm not any better than that. I am a spaz, overly emotional, and a very sensitive person who probably needs some thicker skin, (workin on it!!:). However what I also am is blessed to have friends and family who love me through it, blessed to have a boyfriend who is steady as a rock, blessed to serve a God who let's me chat to Him all day everyday, and blessed to have so many good days, that the bad ones stick out so much. I am blessed. I know this and I am thankful. And I think that if I let myself be a mess sometimes, I would perhaps not care so much. And that would be good... a relief really:)
.... those are my random thoughts. Today was rough for absolutely no real good reason at all, but who cares. Tomorrow will be better:)
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