I tried out my theory and let myself be upset and frustrated and whatever else (rather than trying to fight it or feel bad about it). Turns out it actually is a great idea, and sadly one I've never really really approached before.
Why was it good?
Well because I learned that all my frustrations are valid and that my fears and thoughts and feelings are completely accurate to who I am and the life I live!!
Not.
Not even kind of actually.
But it was a good idea because it allowed me the freedom to not be perfect and to cut myself enough slack to see myself as I really am--a mess for stupid reasons.
Feel like I'm going in circles here?
That's fair. I kind of am.
But here is what I'm learning... I can't control the way I feel or my insecurities or areas where I lack maturity or perspective. I may know that I'm being ridiculous, but if I try and talk myself out of my weaknesses, I just end up accentuating them.
Frankly, I get very frustrated because most of the time I know better than how I feel... and this is incredibly annoying.
For example, I know that when my feelings are hurt by someone, more times than not, it wasn't intentional. I know that as fact because I have been well loved and treated pretty well in my 25 years of life.
Yet the side of me that is sensitive and empathetic by nature (and irrational at times), still reacts to what's happening, whether harm is intended or not. In-other-words, I still feel the hurt.
My reaction to having feelings that I don't think resemble truth is to experience guilt because I "know better". I know that the person loves me, I can understand why the person acted that way, and I know that it wasn't meant to hurt... so it shouldn't right? And if it does, then I'm at fault and should feel guilt or shame.
Wrong. This is where I "shoot myself in the foot" all the time.
If I feel hurt, rational or not, I have to let myself feel it, period. (Note that I said "feel" and not "dwell").
Should I act off of it? Very rarely. Is it probably unnecessary to feel that way? Most likely. But if I try to reason or guilt my way out of my feelings, than I just end up storing it up for another time and FAR more frustrated with myself and the situation than I should be.
So what happened after I just let myself be upset or whatever yesterday?
I got it out.
I let the emotions (ridiculous as they were!!) run their course, I shared them with Richard and a friend, I felt relief and comfort, and I let them go.
Did you hear that part?? I LET THEM GO.
Shocking, I know. But letting the emotions go is amazing because it gives you the ability to think more wisely and relax much easier instead of just being weighed down.
Ladies and gentlemen there is hope after all:)
This is what I think the Lord may be teaching me right now: I feel a lot. All the time. I can do my best to make wise decisions and surround myself with encouraging people so to minimize unnecessary hard emotions, but at the end of the day I'm going to feel a lot... and that's just the way I am. I cannot control my emotions, but they don't have to control me (think I probably subconsciously stole that line from some cheesy book at some point...).
The problem, is my approach to feelings... trying not to have them and feeling guilty along the way. It actually just makes them all a bigger deal than they need to be.
So my next theory...
If I can just trust God enough to be broken and have the feelings I do, then all the effort I put into being something else or better or having it all together or understanding them might not make these emotions carry SO much weight in my life.
I might even get the silly ones out faster and move on quicker.
I might be able to recognize and act in wisdom when the emotions I have are a blessing.
I might have thicker skin and not be so sensitive to those in my life.
I might experience freedom in life and relationships.
I might be able to give more freely without feeling the need to stay guarded.
I might think of others before I think of myself.
I might learn that perhaps God created me the way He did to use me in a certain capacity that I don't yet understand.
I might let go of little things and just be in the present with greater ease.
And I might... just maybe, find my sense of joy in simply being me and loved by God.
...............
But I think the guilt/shame have to go first. People hear the words guilt and shame and they think someone is either in the wrong, has been wronged, or is feeling that way unnecessarily.
Well I'm all of the above.
Frankly, I am fallen and live in a fallen world, and often my emotions are rooted in sinful and selfish desires, are reactions to someone else's sin, or are simply irrational.
But regardless of the cause of this guilt/shame I carry, I also serve a God who forgives, is far greater than I, covers all that I do, provides for me so that I don't rely on others, and therefore I am not bound by these things.
I am not bound by my mistakes, by my weaknesses, or by my sin.
I am not bound my my circumstances, by other people's actions, or anything else.
I am free.
............
This truth has been present since the day I asked God to be the Lord of my life, but to really allow it to shape me and change me, I have to believe it and need it enough to ask for God's help--to surrender my life to Him in a new light.
I'm not positive, but I think it's possible that me getting to this place in which I feel broken by this issue, I perhaps needed to be in the middle of the ocean, away from my comforts, uncomfortable in my surroundings, and completely clueless about where my life is going and what's next.
In short, perhaps I needed to be overwhelmed enough that I couldn't shut my emotions off, find a short-term outlet, or talk myself out of them.
Perhaps Hawaii is EXACTLY what God intended for me.
Funny how I thought I moved here just for a relationship with a guy and, God continues to do SO much more than I could have imagined.
All to His glory.
That's what I learned from having my bad day ; )
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| My "freedom pose"... okay not really (I'm not that nerdy). But I was looking over a HUGE cliff here that you can't even see. Was sorta cool and calming like my thoughts about all this:) |
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